I have to admit that all the time we were waiting for the decision, I was hoping, yearning and longing for resolution. I just wanted a simple resolution that act of solving a problem, concluding a a dispute or disagreement. For an author of stories, it's that ending of the story where all the complications of the plot are resolved or at least simplified.
After all, I have inherited the middle child syndrome, where I yearn for peace in the family. I guess I could throw in here that I am also a Mennonite - and you know what they stand for - peace at all cost. I also grew up in the hippie era and still adore John Lennon and his lovely song. "Imagine."
So it took me a long while to accept it deep down inside of me that there was not going to be any public resolution to this - at least not in the short term.
At first in this panic, I thought a retrial was the only answer to this entire dilemma. But slowly I began to realize that it doesn't have to be resolved. Do we want to spend all that money? My children don't seem to need resolution. Tension and conflict are huge opportunities for growth and learning. Can I really let it be? Besides there is nothing I can do - the only conflict I really have control over is that which lies deep inside of me. I could just slip away - bow out of it all.
However, I have written a book about it all. I have written This Mortal Coil - a detailed description of how I arrived at the conclusion - my resolution - that Grant was guilty and that he was the one who had caused the death of my child. Even though I thought it would be supporting the Supreme Court decision by giving people who wanted the details an accessible explanation, I realize now - post decision - that I am offering an opposing view. I am probably heightening the polarization. I have truly entered into the fray. I am creating more conflict - and not resolution.
As I realized this I wondered, should I pull it quickly before the book was really noticed?
I was encouraged not to -- so I thought I would wait.... just a little longer.
And now - seeing the article in Saturday's Winnipeg Free Press quoting the book - I know that ship has sailed. It is out there-- and I have entered into the discussion - and I probably have no choice but to stay in the middle of this ongoing discussion that has continued for the last thirty years - and will probably continue in some form or another.
Perhaps I just need to content myself with the fact that I have my own resolution. I have written the book. l might need to conclude it with and ending chapter - short - about the Supreme court decision - and leave it as such.
Perhaps, it will help others resolve this situation - if not in court at least in their own minds -- if it is an issue.
The surprise is - that there is a peace - inside of me. I have done what I could. I have reached my resolution - (which I don't mind being challenged) - but for now I will leave it as such.
Now I am arriving at another conclusion, I think everyone should write a book. It is the best therapy - - second only to painting with white or gray - or whatever color one chooses.
We can fashion our own resolution. We can arrive at some inner peace. At least that's what I am telling myself at the moment....
Imagine all the people living life in peace .... You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us - and the world will be as one. - John Lennon