Then the unexpected sadness... or whatever it was....
I remember sitting on the sofa in my beautiful suburban, North Battleford home knowing my well-respected husband was downstairs in his study happy-as-a-lark, my two healthy, beautiful, well-behaved children were creatively playing in their bedrooms, and I, as a pastor's wife who was needed and involved with many friends in the church, was sitting with books all around because I had been asked to speak, and realizing that I was in pure misery.
I had just turned thirty years old. There is something about turning thirty that causes one to pause, reflect and wonder - I suppose. But it was even more than that.
I wasn't just sad. It was as if I was filled with a huge, hungry abyss that was after my very soul, threatening to annihilate me forever.
It felt as if a demon was nipping at my heels. I felt I was suffocating, choking, stuck.
It was barely tolerable during the day, I could hardly move and look after everyone, but it would definitely got worse at night.
Sometimes it got so bad that when everyone was asleep - safe -- and I was free of all responsibility, I would climb into our car and recklessly race across the prairies knowing that my speeding kept me out of reach of any lurking cruisers, there was some relief in that. But I would keep on racing my shuddering car as if on a runway tarmac hoping the car would lift off to freedom land. It never did.
When that didn't work, I would find a road that would take me into the dark cavernous river hills hoping to find solace in hiding.
That didn't work either.
It was only pure exhaustion that brought relief. In the wee hours of the morning too tired to care, I would slowly find my way home and fall into bed.
Yet - I couldn't tell anyone. The people that I did hint about my condition to other looked at me as if I was out of my mind - validating my fears.
What was wrong with me?
I had never felt like this.... My life had't been easy - yet there had always been a way to escape it all. There had always been friends, my dreams, my hopes, my ability to create excitement, my focus to face my challenges or run somewhere safe. This was so different. This was too serious!
I found a book, "How to win over depression...." I read it over and over - memorizing the symptoms. I was clinically dangerously depressed - and I couldn't admit it to anyone. It was unacceptable to be depressed in my state -- so obviously blessed with everything I had ever wanted.
I sank lower and lower and lower......till it was unbearable.
“I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Collected Poems