But in the final end, there is one verse that remains the thesis for me. I have hung to it like a lifeline. It reads, "Whenever everything absolutely everything in your life falls apart..." like it did for us. There are three things that remain. Faith, Hope and Love - and the greatest of these is love."
      What does love look like at this stage? What does love look like tagged onto my faith?
      As much as I enjoy this place of new learnings, new spiritual insights, and new  understandings, I am aware that all of life always comes down to love. 
       Has divine love been realised?
     It isn't about spiritual gifts, great acts of sacrifice, living a perfect life, knowing the future, belonging to a church, saving everyone, or anything like that.... It is truly about love. 
       So I end with love...  - divine love that realizes itself in us, again and again.
​
 "The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention.”  – Richard Warren  

Last Sunday, I preached a sermon for the first time in our new church.
I'm usually a story teller. This time my assignment was to preach.
I felt so ill-prepared. 
​What do I believe?
It was a moment of renewed spiritual reflection as I'm still trying to answer the first question. "about the nature of our faith?"
I feel I don't fit into any known category right now. 
​I am free floating - I think I am label - less.
Wow - that is a new feeling. 
Sermons demand a kind of systematic  theology - my theology is being de-systematized. 
The Bible doesn't change, God doesn't change, and my faith doesn't change. 
     But there is something about the Upper Room that will forever define us.
     We are on a new trajectory.
     What was so special about the Upper room?
      Why was it life-changing?
     I will try to analyze it.
      It was characterized by a waiting for something new, a coming away, a humbleness and openness to  having our fundamental values changed. That takes courage - I was so worried.
        It was in a group of like-minded. "Where two or three are gathered in my name...."
       It was Holy Spirit focused; we wanted the tongue of fire.
       It was private and safe - no judgement.  We weren't out to prove something.
        There was no sense of a power-play. We had a leader - a wild prophetess.  We had chosen her, she hadn't chosen us. 
      We were together but separate.  There were no controls.
      It was open to any kind of expression of the experience - even hysterical laughter. 
     There was preparation - we had spent the day seeking words of encouragement and came to the room with little recordings of these prophecies.  We came with everything we were.
       We came with a good foundation of teachings. We weren't rebelling. All of our experiences were building blocks to this moment. Even though we were on an adventure, we would not violate our foundation of truth. We were discerning.  
     We were in a prayerful attitude.
      We wanted something more. We were ready to experiment. 
      We positioned ourselves.
      We closed the curtains.
      
        Last Sunday I dared to preach from this new place.
      I preached about that star-studded sky - that awe-filled moment - that has now morphed into an Upper Room awe-filled moment. 
            This time I'm not only in awe of the stars - I'm in awe of awe,  I'm in awe of my life....
             It was like coming a home coming. 
            
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”  - Corrie Ten Boom


   My sermon: https://www.maplecrestchurch.ca/
.

     
      It truly feels as if we are in a new phase now after the trial. There is a new freedom of expression. 
      Cliff and I were having morning coffee the other day, when I I asked him when he thought this new freedom of expression had begun for us.. this new sense of play. 
    He paused for a moment... "the baptism by fire in the Kansas City - in the Upper Room."
     I was surprised - I thought he would say it was "after the trial."
   But I had to agree with him. It had started with that "upper room" - that feeling of submission, letting go - and experiencing something new.
          Then we laughed as we recalled the experience.... It always brings a smile to our faces.
          But we still don't have a complete understanding of it. 
          Then why was it powerful?
          We wonder if there is  something about a public declaration that doesn't change anything in the moment - but determines a change of course.
           Like getting married - we commit to each other and then learn what that means.
           Like a conversion experience - we choose Jesus and then learn what that means.
           Like forgiveness  - we choose to forgive and then learn what that means.
           Like graduating from a course - we choose to master a subject and then learn to apply it.
          In any case, we are still smiling when we talk about it. It was fun - a different and powerful joy,
           And we agreed, we carry that upper room within us - now.

 All your life you're yellow. Then one day you brush up against something blue, the barest touch, and voila, the rest of your life you're green. - Tess Callahan

      

​       It was the oddest moment.
      During a long break in the trial process. we as a family had gone back to Kansas City for a spiritual retreat 
    Our adult children had opted to stay with this wonderful "prophet" type person who had just come back from a revival in Florida - inspired, ignited and motivated but  Cliff and I  had booked into a nearby hotel. 
     Wanting to meet us, she invited us to a lovely breakfast at her home. It was an amazing breakfast.... and then someone (I'm still not sure who) requested she anoint us with fire - impart her gifting to us that she had received in Florida.
           She said yes, she would love to do this for us ... if we came back that evening.
           We did. 
           I find these things highly uncomfortable. 
          Every instinct in my body said "run" - find a way to cancel but everyone else was so enthused.
         Then I  remembered how Elijah, a man surrounded by angels, asked Naaman to wash himself in the Jordan River seven time before Elijah would consider healing him. Naaman did and he was healed.
           It was God's way - submission, humility, and then healing.  
         We needed healing. we needed help, we needed assurances and courage to endure this endless trial. process. . 
          Besides what did I have to lose?
          Only my pride was at stake, but I didn't have anything to be proud of anyway.
           "Baptism by fire" - I think those were the words.
         When we were settled in her living room, our prophetess started closing all the drapes in the house.  "I want to shut everything down, because I don't want the neighbors to call the fire department."
            Fire department?
           She dismissed her husband - banished him downstairs. He escaped willingly - too willingly - with a tiny smile.
           Our eyes were wide.
          We sat in a circle in her living room - and she began to pray. She was a tiny thing - but a strong force. There were about eight of us in the room.
        Then she started praying  -  then she commanded, - then she talked in tongues - as  she called down fire from the heavens.  "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE." It was thunderous.
          I now understood the closed drapes. 
           Her expressive hands were not gentle . She was totally unaware of any hair, glasses or  hairdos. 
         Almost in a trance, she moved from the first to the second to the third - making her way around the circle.   I was at the end of the circle - watching....
         After being prayed for, the person just sat there, deep within themselves. Their hair was on end - their eyes were closed - and they didn't move. 
        No one swooned - or did anything that we wouldn't have expected of them -  except for my daughter and I.
        We are highly emotional and when we are emotionally vulnerable, we either cry or laugh hysterically.
        This time we both couldn't stop laughing... hysterically.
        "It is the spirit of laughter," our prophetess said nonplussed.
         Then she prayed for us all again - as a family. We just sat there in the circle entranced, stunned by this dramatic, hair-tousling experience. 
         It all felt holy - and safe  - as we started to share intimately the state of our souls.  We read the prophetic words we had been given at the conference during the day. If we did't understand them for ourselves, someone added a new layer of meaning.  We were going deeper together.
            As we left, we thanked our prophetess profusely for the memorable experience and intimate conversation. 
            Had anything changed?
             Not really. Not outwardly.
         Even though if felt like an Upper Room experience, there were no tongues of flames - no unusual signs and wonders, but  we had been filled with a miraculous sense of  awe, our spirits had been  ignited. 
           
The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. -  Ferdinand Foch

    So what kind of church is our family building?
   I know it isn't the church I grew up in.
   I know it isn't the church our children grew up in.
   I know it isn't the church I expected to pastor.
    This is different.
     But times have also changed - and we need to change with it.
     I also want to say that nothing changed doctrinally - only on emphasis and perception. 
     But most important, something changed within us as well around ten years ago.
      It changed when we wanted and started to pursue "more." We desperately needed more.
     Perhaps the only way I can explain this next part is to go back to Paw Patrol - the children's show that has won so much acclaim. I was introduced to it by my grandchildren and loved it immediately. The pups are pro-social and delightful. During the first episodes  the pot lines are basic and amazing.
        As the series grows and the challenges become more intense, the pups are amped up with powers that make them faster, stronger and more agile. They are supercharged.
         The same goes for Dinotrux - another children's show that is has a similar plot until the 6th season when they too are supercharged. The dinotrux are outfitted with new powers, energy that make the episodes more exciting than ever. 
          It sounds a little like the plot line In the Bible. We have a book about the introduction of evil, the consequences of evil, and then the salvation of Jesus dying on the cross. After three days, Jesus comes back supercharged. 
        Thirty days later, the holy spirit is poured out on the believers and everyone was supercharged. They were filled with "awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs."
           Something happened! Something spectacular.  Something "more."
          In other words, the author of "more" is the third person in the trinity - the Holy Spirit. 
         The first testament was based on a chosen people and the second testament on a chosen person. Perhaps there is another third testament that defies a collective script because it is based on the holy spirit that isn't confined to one person or one people. The story explodes, the power is amped, 
        What does that look like in a church?
         It is a little like Episode 6. 
        We are supercharged.
        Does that mean we are better - more powerful? Do we see more signs and wonders than anyone else?
        I don't think so.
        All of us walk through a world littered with signs, wonders and "awe moments." 
        There is research that  proves that on average anyone of us can  experience an  "awe moment" every three days.
        In our church we just talk about it more.  
   
                    
Don't shrink your dreams. Super-size your courage and abilities. --  Karen Salmonsohn

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/understanding-awe/201704/the-emerging-science-awe-and-its-benefits
​

      I think we overshot.
      By now, I hope I have  portrayed our frantic pursuit to survive the trial process adequately enough, so that you will understand our desperation to survive.
       We were frantic, But in our panic - I think we overshot.
     Our son taught us this concept.  In high school, he chose to study for his doctorate, but he didn't think he could do it, so he studied like I have never seen anyone study. He diagrammed all of his notes, memorized, and sweated the entire first year.
          His marks were incredible good right from the beginning - but that didn't stop him. He was frantic.
             At the end of the year, he won the gold medal.
             As I was congratulating him - amazed at his accomplishments, he laughed.
             "I think I overshot," he said. "I wasn't after the gold medal - I just wanted to pass."
              Now in hindsight, that's how I feel about our pursuit of God.
             I was really frantic to survive - not only survive, I  wanted our entire family, our marriage and our children to remain in tact. 
              I thought God was our best bet.
              So we pursued God.
              I think we overshot.
            This last summer, both our son-in-law Larry and our son, Syras, announced to us that they were going to be pastors.
             What?
             Pastors?
             And they wanted us to be part of their experience.
           Our son asked us if we would be pastors in his church. How could we say no?
             Now a days, when the husband goes into the pastorate, the wife also becomes a pastor.
             Great! We are all pastors now -- the six of us. 
                 
             So in one summer, 33 years after the nightmare descended on our family. 
              I think we overshot.
             I never intended them to be pastors -- I'm not even sure I want them to be pastors.
​              Pastoring is such a difficult - thankless job.
              But am I proud! 
             So proud of them.
              But perhaps even more than proud -- I am relieved that we survived.
     
          
None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.  - Paulo Coelho

      I have a dreadful, negative inner voice. 
      I have no confidence in myself. I truly believe that I don't have that much going for me.
      I'm not that bright, I have no exceptional  outstanding skills,
      I was born to a very ordinary Mennonite family - a people that is and always has been marginalized. 
      I have always been slightly desperate, panicked, wondering where I was going to find the resources to keep myself together and to keep my family together. I am a middle child, who really has never found herself. Just putting food on the table, paying the bills and keeping the house in order - were sometimes beyond me.
               And then to have this enormous, dramatic, over-exposed, uncharted responsibility of mothering this trauma- riddled mystery of this abducted, murdered,  invisible but yet real child, seemed impossible at times.
           I've often said, I never had the opportunity to choose a cause or a ministry of my own,I was given one.
           Murder, victimization, and all of the related causes were given to me . To survive I had to take on the challenge of each issue that presented itself to me - and it seemed whatever we did, the cameras were interested.
             Panic. There was this need to find her, to grieve her, and to find justice for her. We needed to turn all of the ugliness into something we could live with. 
                Complete vulnerability.  I had no confidence in myself - I had to find it elsewhere.  
                Finding  confidence is everything.
               And that's what God is in the business of. - giving "awe" moments that build  our confidence.
              So often we want God to remake us, live our lives for us, make it easier for us,  and spare us the drudgery of our lives.
                We forget God loves us. He wants to work with us - as we are. 
               He can do this best by walking along side, and giving us confidence to face the challenge of every moment.
               He knows we can do anything if we have a support system around us. 
              Life with all its ups and downs is not our problem, the fear, anger, disappointment, despair, loneliness, and all of that negativity is our real enemy. God helps us with all of that by remaining present and giving us confidence to be the real us. 
          On that verdict day, the accused was acquitted.
           Acquitted?
           No Justice for our daughter? 
            We had waited 33 years .....
            Empty - it was all empty. And then the volcano started to stir....
             We could have lost it.  I have lost it for much less.
            We could have bolted. Puddled. Vented. Lashed out at everything and everyone. 
          Yet it was the end of the story - the ultimate test - the critical climax. It was the finale. and it was being witnessed - by everyone. The cameras were waiting.
                 To think clearly at that moment, I needed an infusion of confidence.
                There it was. "The prisoners will be set free." We had been divinely prepared. . God had known.  His presence was real. We were not alone. It would all work out - if we kept the course. All we had to do was stay the course. 
             It was an awe moment that has had rippling effects. 
             The other day, we were soaking in the hot pond at Thermea, enjoying the heat  and admiring the star studded night  when I was  approached by a complete strangers who knows everything about me. She is inspired by our story.
        I am greeted at Home Depot, by a man who very briefly walks beside us - gives us beautiful words of encouragement, as he is wiping the tears from his eyes. "You make me cry," he says as he disappears.
             I am touched on the hand in Costco ... "You are a amazing."
              Amazing? When did that happen? 
            We could have fallen on our faces - we didn't feel we were inspiring. It felt as if we were always teetering on  the brink of disaster - never expecting to survive but we have.  And we are now reaping those moments where we depended on God to see us through.
            We had confidence that he knew the way... and would guide us. He gave it through that "awe" moment.... so needed. And now that "awe" moment is creating more "awe" moments through all these "awe"-inspiring strangers -- its become a string of "awe" moments. It's become supersized. 
            It's a supersized "awe." Still growing even as I write this.
           
            Back to the question:  How have  we kept the faith?
             It kept us. It continues to keep us.
​             It is awesome.

 God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.  - Elbert Hubbard

               

        Probably the worst moment for us was the anticipation of hearing the verdict after the second trial.
       We had waited for this moment for ten years - and so had everyone else it seemed.  The media had already set up their schedule. We had obligations to answer their questions - but we had no idea what our answers would be or should be.
    All we knew was that over the years - being authentic to the moment had worked for us. I'm not even sure we could pull off a scripted response. Besides the outcome was so unpredictable, we didn't have the imagination to know how we would react.
        For example, the Friday before the verdict day we had our Presbyterian friends over for a listening to God dinner, at which time, we thought we might prepare ourselves.
         We asked God about the verdict.
         The word that we received that evening was, “God will set the prisoner free.”
         We just looked at each other. “Well that isn’t going to happen,” we all agreed.  
         We couldn’t fathom the accused going free,  so we decided that the word “freedom” was meant for us.
        My unscripted response at that moment was that we were the prisoners. We had been locked up in an invisible prison for years and this meant that we would be set free on October 18, 2017. 
          That felt so good.
          That just goes to show how certain we were that the verdict would be "guilty," We thought he was guilty and couldn't imagine anyone thinking anything other. Mind you, we had access to the entire ten year process, and other information not presented in the courtroom. 
           Except - having him in prison didn't really give me a sense of freedom that one would expect so I wasn't in actuality looking forward to his prison term. The last time he had been convicted and sent to prison for 25 years we  received reports that kept us informed of everything he was doing, so in that way a formal prison sentence would bind us even closer than now when he was awaiting trial. It was just complicated. He was complicated. There would never be any real freedom in this complicated system. 
             But when the judge ended her statement with the word "acquittal" we were stunned. We had expected, guilty or not guilty so the word "acquittal" meant nothing to us. We didn't even know what that word meant in this context. 
            Yet there was no time to really process it.  Emotions need time. We didn't have time. 
           We had a quick consultation with the Crowns - but that only managed to confuse us as a family. We didn't all agree - it would take a family conversation - and we had no time. 
              All we knew was that the process was over - the accused would be on the streets again probably by end of day. He would be free. 
           Clutching the Docket CR 09-01-29721 that the Crowns had graciously prepared for me, we  headed for the media scrum. 
             The words - “God will set the prisoner free”  swirled around us.
             God had known. last Friday about this. He had given us the words,  
            And that's when it hit me that this really was true freedom.  Acquittal meant he was free on the street, we would be no longer tied to each other. We were free of the process.
              It was over.
           There were still some niggles about setting a sexual predator free - but maybe that was no longer an issue - God sees all. God was in this. The truth of the trial would serve as an invisible prison. Besides that was no longer our responsibility.
                We were free.
                By the time we hit the front door with all those mics and cameras facing us, we were already feeling it.
                “Relieved!” we said with surprise.
               It was definitely relief –  bordering on a strange joy!
                The media coverage that evening reflected all of it.
                 It was so weird, yet our response seemed to set the public free as well. 
                We were so grateful that our conversation with God had prepared us.
                 Our faith grew again.
                 God is truly about setting us free.
                
And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.  – Haruki Murakami

   Right from the beginning -  I was scared.
    It was almost as if  I knew  that  the trial process would last ten years and that  I would need special insights, special coping mechanisms - special guidance through out it all.
      The bridegroom paradigm shift gave me the courage to think that if God is pursuing us – I can pursue him in a new way.
         I wanted wisdom.
         I wanted a conversation with God. 
       Conversations. Every intimate conversation is an exploration into another person’s inner thoughts and soul. Maintaining a good conversation requires intentionality and mutuality.  For it to be real and long-lasting conversation, it needs to give both parties equal time, a sense of confidentiality and safety. It needed to be interactive....
         I was frantic. Late at night when my fears were cycling through my head, I opened the Bible and read the verse. “You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Follow it, whether it turns to the right or left.’”
            It felt like an audible voice, disconnected from any of my thoughts. The timing was incredible. It was an answer to my heart’s question – something I hadn’t even articulated out loud. It could only be God.
         I felt that shiver. I felt that awe – God was assuring me that he would lead me with his still small voice.
          His voice was in the Bible. 
         I needed to be more intentional with the Bible. I tried to duplicate this experience over and over again. It worked - enough for me to feel that I was in a new place with God - the conversation was beginning to happen. The voice was there. 
         Or was it? I also realized I didn't trust my discernment so I  began looking for safe people to walk this path with me. I tried all kinds of things, ways, and all kinds of people. 
         Finally I approached good friends, my Presbyterian friends – not charismatic at all –and asked f they would enter into an experimental "listening" to God Bible study with us. We had attended the same traditional Bible study for years which had been discontinued when we had all left that church for different reason - yet we felt that connection.
           They said yes. They would enter into an experimental conversation with God, with us.
          So we as couples would meet bi-weekly if it suited us. First we would have a lovely supper, then meditate for ten to fifteen minutes, centering ourselves and getting the dysfunctional sugar daddy syndrome  out of our head  - and all the other negative voices. Then we would pray and open our Bibles - looking for those verses or words that would jump off the page, highlighted with a holy glow - or something like that. 
         We were so clumsy - yet, we were always astounded at the verses. But even more than that was our delight with the conversation that followed. The discernment of the group was incredible. 
          I'll never forget one evening – at our house -  after we had been meeting for about a month or two, when my friend  said in a shocked tone…. “This is not a parlor game.”
          We had felt that over and over again. Clumsy as we were, God was patient.... God wanted to talk to us. 
          It wasn't only about the trial process  - we all had issues. We all had questions. God wanted to talk to each one of us about all kinds of things.... good and bad.  Nothing was off limits.
        And - . oh the topics we have covered! We have cried, we have laughed and we have vented.
    We have also paused in pure awe - and wonderment - grateful that we have a God who wants to have a conversation with us. 
            We have notebooks detailing our conversations with God….
           God is an intimate God. God is a bridegroom.  God is pursuing us.
           We have been meeting for ten years.
​           Imagine!  We have met through the entire ten-year trial process. 
​           We have learned so much!
           I am so thankful for a patient God.
           I am also incredibly thankful for friends.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”  - Carl Gustav Jung ​