Sacred conversations need to be real.  God's letter to us is real.  I think there are about 29 passages in the Bible that should have a warning sign - restricted. It is real. Even though it talks about holiness - goodness - it is definitely about the real world.
      At first I was unaware of the controversial pieces. After sensing God in the stars,  I studied the book of Romans - and loved it. 
      Then I loved the biblical stories as told by my father. He didn't just read the Bible for devotions ever day, he referred to the patriarch Abraham often - to the point that I sometimes felt Abraham lived in our house. 
          Then  in high school, I  read Kings - and some of the other books in the Old Testament. 
          After that,  I had a private conversation with God....  I think it was in grade 12 - when I said. "God, - as an author your books doesn't hang together  - there is a distinct difference between the old and the new. Frankly the old is ugly. You are a divided God - you don't make sense. Dreadful book."
        These were very harsh words for a "want to be" author. 
       The heavens closed on me - and so did the book. I became extremely selective - discarding the old and slightly suspicious of the new.
        Third year Bible school,  I took this amazing systematic theology course, that unpacked the difference of the Old and New and why. There is an explanation.  I was so relieved. I gained a tremendous respect for an author that could write a book spanning so many years, generations, cultures and theme, and yet have it reflect the whole. 
            After that - I understood the theme - the plan.... And it became my self-help book, my story book, my mystery book - my comfort book.
            It wasn't always easy to apply. I  remember having a crisis in my faith in Bible school, and was told by my friends that I just needed to hide in the attic and read the Bible till I found the answer.  They were on one end of the dorm attic - praying for me and I was on the other end.  I think I read the entire New Testament that night -- and at the end -- as the sun was rising, I found  the answer.  I can't remember the question - but I do remember the elation.
            We were so excited. 
            When Candace disappeared, I took to reading the Bible late at night - until I found comfort.
          The Word  lives -- especially around 3 o'clock at night -- when the rest of the world is sleeping and the darkness of the night has seeped into my soul. That's when  those dreadful explicit passages  connect with me, and reassure me that God - is aware. That God has a plan... many plans.  They aren't just any old plans... they are holy. 
         When I was younger I was annoyed that I couldn't understand it all - or remember it all. 
         Now I am comforted that I can't contain the entire Bible in my head and  that I can't conquer it.
      It will always remain slightly elusive and bigger than me. It is bigger than any one person which is why the exploration of it - can last a life time.
          I still like the mystery - the vastness of it's metaphors, the  challenge of its authors. I want something bigger than myself - and I'm comforted by its vastness.
          If I were to describe my faith - it would definitely include the Living Word of God. 
                 
​“She liked the word ineffable because it meant a feeling so big or vast that it could not be expressed in words.
And yet, because it could not be expressed in words, people had invented a word to express it, and that made Liesl feel hopeful, somehow.” - Lauren Oliver

    Had breakfast this morning at Aaltos - early - always great to meet old and new friends. It was wonderful - except for the topic.- incest and sexual abuse of a child. 
     There was an underlying wail against evil throughout our conversation. How could someone conceive that abusing a child is somehow okay? How could a mother -- knowingly provide a safe place for it to happen? And all of this under the cloak of piety - religion and holiness? 
              As I walk away, I am sickened once again. I am privy to many such stories - too many. The casualties are the same. The stories are the same. The pain is the same. The quest to end it is the same. The need to heal is the same. The disgust is the same.
          This morning there is a haunting question of "evil"  that we didn't resolve.
        Victims often look at the evil - the sickness -- and say "How can someone be so evil?" There is a pause. "I am good."
           It is hard for the good to understand evil.
          I've also heard the other -- "I am evil - how can anyone be good?"
           It is hard for the evil to understand good.
           This becomes the first difficult step.....
          I remember during my journalism training when I was first learning about the "pitfalls of self-interest." I actually sat in church peeling back the onion of my self-interest.  There were layers and layers.... In the end, I decided that there was about 90% self-interest in me ... and about 10% about others. Devastating revelations.
        Years later, studying Executive Coaching,  I learned that research has shown that we have about 20%  positive responses in any given situation,  to about 80% negative responses. In coaching our main mandate is to help others to embrace the positive. It takes effort.
            That ratio appears in many forms. Apparently only 25% of people wronged can forgive. The remaining 75% can't.      
            Research also shows that we have all been wounded - and we have all wounded someone.      
           In other words, “We all have a Monster within; the difference is in degree, not in kind.”  - Douglas Preston
            So how does this inform the question of evil?
            It's simply not black and white.... We need to accept that - but we can't let it lie there.
          We need to enter the battle of it. It is in the battle -- where we find the joys of learning, break through the loneliness of separation, birth newness, unleash generosity, regain a sense of victory - and feel the beauty of being healed.  Victory is always a mountain top experience.  
             The other evening Cliff and I - wanting to relax after a strenuous day watched  a movie where the evil was not exposed. There was no clear image of good and evil - nor was there victory when there should have been. The unfortunate incident was deemed an " accident." Not satisfying - we agreed. 
            So even though it was late - we watched another movie "Collateral Beauty. " Now that was inspiring!!!!
            The best stories are when good wins over evil -  and healing happens against great odds.
            To despair in the face of evil,  means we have already lost the battle.
             To accept evil as part of life - to demystify it is the first step -  and then  turn it into good -   a minute by minutes battle - is exciting and a forever challenge. 
             Imagine,  we always have enough material to fashion our own inspiring stories.

 If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn 

     We went to a movie on a Friday night and watched At Eternity’s Gate in a dark theatre lounging on recliner seats, and loved it. How could we not? It was a two-hour long drama about a mythological artist and his struggle with his artist soul.
      The movie is wildly spiritual, impressionistic and fragmented.
Both of us have been brought up with pietistic influences – strong belief in a individual piety and living a vigorous Christian life, religion and moral upbringing.
      I was so pious..  I never swore, never kissed, didn’t smoke behind the barn, never drank, and above all I never attended a movie.
        Well not until I was married. During our first year of marriage when we were living in Vancouver, Cliff and I went out to  see our very first movie Gone with the Wind – with smoking consciences.  
         We came home -- asking -- "And what was so bad about that?"
          We've seen some excellent movies - watched amazing drama.
          We need rules. I think leading a moral life – has great benefits. There is a universal moral code- written on our hearts - and I think to adhere to it pays dividends.  “And all societies,” according to Geoffrey Klempner, “have moral codes meeting basic human needs  - identity, security, affection, meaning -  dealing with conflict, prohibiting lying, stealing, adultery and murder, and detecting/punishing freeloaders.”I am grateful for this foundation. We need to know the baseline of goodness.
        But if we adhere to the rules too stringently, rules can suffocate the life it wants to preserve.  Laws become legalistic.
            Vincent Van Gogh fought the restrictions of his time. His spirit needed to be free to paint – the one thing that he knew how to do. But there was a cost. He was often caught in some kind of darkness as he reached out to goodness.
            Those are my thoughts as I lounge in the theatre – enjoying a story. It’s a good story. It is about faith. It is about the sacrifices needed to fulfill ones’ calling.
              It is about the artist soul. 
              We leave inspired.

If there is one thing worse that the modern weakening of major morals, it is the modern strengthening of minor morals. –  GK Chesterton

        Just the other day, I was sitting on a mall bench waiting - checking messages on my cell phone -  when a paraplegic in a wheel chair came up to me with his assistant close by and said to me. “God is good.”
          That was about all he could say. I agreed whole heartedly. “God is good.”
         We smiled….  He radiated the goodness. I could tell that he understood it, lived it and would die by it.  It was his guiding hope through his darkness.
         And it can get very dark!
           How can both of us – such tragic figures – agree on something so absurd?
           But we did.
          In the end, the question of God – isn’t really so much about God’s role in the universe but what is his goodness all about.
           Goodness is much harder to understand than God.
        Recently we attended that classic production of “It’s a wonderful life” at the Manitoba Theatre Centre. It was based on the classical movie of the life of George Bailey who has so many problems he is thinking about ending it all - and it's Christmas! As the angels discuss Bailey, we see his life in flashbacks. His guardian angel, Clarence, shows Bailey what his town would have looked like if he hadn’t lived.
      In his past, Bailey has saved his brother from a drowning incident, saved a pharmacist from poisoning a sick child, sacrificed his career for his younger brother – and the list goes on.
        Bailey is simply a good soul.  He uses his imagination for goodness. He can see what needs to happen for the good of his town and sacrifices himself to do it. At first it looks like a wasted life, but goodness is never an empty investment.
        The best part of the drama is when Bailey, at the end of his tether, experiences his goodness coming back to save him. The money that has been lost just comes pouring in – enough to save him from going to prison. And the angel takes care of making sure that justice happens.
         It is the mystery of goodness.
          It is always a miracle.
          It is the image of God.
 
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth, (goodness)  and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

   ​  I am not a Greek philosopher nor a brilliant scientist – I’m have always been just a want-to-be writer who has always wanted to make sense of God and my imagination. It’s about that elusive muse – really.  How can I tap into a powerful imagination?
      Imagination is everything to me. It is a writer's tool. It gives writers shoes to travel into worlds unseen and unknown – and to create characters bigger than life. Imagination can turn a ordinary writer into a master. To a writer it resembles the quest for the Holy Grail.
       But a need for an imagination isn’t confined to the creatives.
       Did you realize that you use your imagination just to plan your day-to-day-life?
      When you make your Christmas list, you are actually using your imagination. You visualize the person, visualize the perfect gift, visualize how to get it and visualize the person's face when you put that gift in their hands. Joy.
       When you give someone directions, you see the route in your imagination.
    It is quite possible that you are not even aware how often you are using your imagination in this way. It is something you do every day, many times a day.
      It’s a tool for a better life. It’s an escape. It can enhance the moment. It can transform the ordinary into drama.
     The truth is that it is a most useful tool in all walks of life. It is useful for the achievement of every goal. It is an essential skill for achieving any kind of success. It is the greatest tool of a visionary leader.
       In fact, you cannot achieve a thing, unless you know what it is you want, and how you are going to do it.
     Actually, right now as Sue and I are writing a book about crime, we are realizing how much imagination goes into the robbing of a bank.
      For good or bad – we need imagination. Yet it isn’t functioning that well in our society.
      Something happened to our imagination after the "snake" incident in the Garden of Eden, where we exercised our "free choice" option.
     The Bible says. “And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. Genesis 6:5-6
     This doesn’t sound like an all knowing, all powerful, super-sized God who can fix things at will. This sounds like  a God facing a real dilemma. It’s a dilemma that comes up quite frequently through out the scripture
     From the rest of the Bible we also realize why…. We discover that this God who created the world, is in actually a personality characterized by goodness and holiness. in a world dominated by “wicked imaginations,” holiness really puts moral limitations on his imagination.
      The real question for us, who are have been infected by this wicked imagination, is how does God deal with us when our imaginations are incompatible with his?
      Let me play that out…for you ... in our crucible.
     There were two different sets of imaginations that collided 34 years ago when Candace disappeared on her way home from school. We as a family had used our imagination to plan a perfect weekend. Candace was expecting to spend time with her best friend. She had planned the week-end party for weeks.
     Just down the street there was another imagination planning something entirely different – one filled with perverted sexual desire. I don’t’ even want to enter into the workings of that imagination – and give it a reality. I find it offensive, abhorrent and disgusting. I don’t think there are enough words in my vocabulary to express my distaste
      These two imaginations collided – and we were the ones blindsided!
    In this clash, we were forced to deal with the result, destruction and tragedy of the working out of this evil imagination.
     Does that make us stupid? Perhaps. Could we have anticipated it? No!
      In reality it makes us normal and good family going about their lives in a responsible way. It makes the other evil. It is the result of a wicked imagination.
    The problem for us, is that in reacting to a negative imagination we are tempted to access that part of our imagination. To protect ourselves we find ourselves anticipating how someone who has a wicked imagination is going to act, and for that we have to enter into that part of our imagination as well. Perverted imaginations begets more perverted imaginations. But as humans, we have two imaginations  – the imagination of God to create goodness, and the imagination of the wicked snake as described in Genesis.
         The difference with a holy God – is that he has only one imagination. He doesn’t have access to the snake imagination. He is limited by his holiness that can't be compromised. Was he blindsided by a snake too?
     I don't think we have the ability to truly comprehend this dynamic, - which make it mysterious and wonderful and frightening.
      When God first saw the workings of mankind's evil imagination, he regretted even making us. From what I read in the rest of the Bible – there have been many times when he was tempted to wipe out his entire creation to stop these infected imaginations.
      We don’t have that choice to opt out. We are caught in it.
     Having been blindsided, my instinct was to hide our children – and my husband - under the bed and build a fierce wall around our house. I was also tempted to enter into a war of imaginations with the purpose to eliminate all sexual offenders. This kind of imagining can become wickedly obsessive.
     Or I could follow God’s example – remove myself as much as I  can from the negative imagination and exercise my imagination to pursue goodness.
       I think it is called "overcoming evil with good." Romans 12:1
       There is free choice – which means we can choose which imagination we will exercise.
     The bonus is that God is on the side of goodness. His imagination is holy, good and loving. He will match his goodness with ours. I think his match is  1 - 70.
    About the question - why did we keep our faith in God? - it is not hard to love, adore and have faith in a God, who might be limited,  but who is good.  I would rather align myself with a "good" God - than an all powerful "evil" God.
     I remember the first time, I was actually able to convince someone that I loved a limited but holy God. She looked at me with huge eyes. "That's a scary concept...  - a limited God?"
     I agree.
​     Limited - but in a good way.
 
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. – Kurt Vonnegut
 
  

   How did we keep our faith? 
    Since the principle object of faith is God – we have to deal with our concept of God in this question.
     And this is the toughest question in the world.
      How do we make sense of God?
      The accepted concept of God as described by theologians, commonly includes the attributes of omniscience (all-knowing), omnipotence (all-powerful), omnipresence (all-present) and as having an external and necessary existence.
          At least this is what I was taught in systematic theology in Bible school.
      This inevitably leads to the question how can you love a God who is apparently all powerful, yet didn’t save Candace from the shed that night?
         There seems to be a paradox.
                         “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. 
                          Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. 
                          Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? 
                         Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”   ― Epicurus
     This is known as the “Epicurean Paradox” or “Riddle of Epicurus” which is viewed by many as “evidence” that disproves the existence of God. 
       Some feel that God is not only inept and powerless – he is also cruel as described by, Richard Dawkins author of the God Delusion. “The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.” 
         Then there are some who make sense of God by finding “a reason” in everything that goes wrong.  
          This is described by Dean Koontz, author of The Darkest Evening of the Year. “Because God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others, and we would become monsters of self-regard, creatures of unalloyed self-interest. The terrible pain of loss teaches humility to our prideful kind, has the power to soften uncaring hearts, to make a better person of a good one.”
                This would mean that Candace was murdered so  that we would be humbled, softened, and  become more loving.  
               That sounds cruel - an ugly concept of God as well.
               Yet, all of these ideas of God are common  and perpetuated by philosophers, scientists and the church. 
               So  how do I make sense of it? Why do I – after all of it – still have a faith in my loving God?
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             “Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.”  ― Augustine of Hippo
 

 
     For faith to be relevant, it needs to be alive.  It needs to include feelings! 
     My faith began with a feeling.  As a child, I looked up at star-studded summer sky and felt something moving in the heavens touching the inside of me. I was filled with  the emotion of awe. 
     I remember the shivers, I remember the presence. I remember the filling. I remember the feeling of elation and confidence. I was forever changed.  I wanted more of that - and I have been an "awe-seeker" ever since.
          Later,  I found that there is research that confirms my experience. 
        Dacher Keltner, one of the foremost theorists and scholars of awe, defines  it as “the sensation of being in the presence of something vast and simultaneously transcendent!"  This emotion comes in response to beauty, virtue and supernatural events.
       And then he goes on to say, "Experiences that arouse awe can help us to re-conceptualize our sense of self, our role in society and from a more cosmic perspective, our place in the universe."
        There are even benefits - improved health, a greater capacity for kindness and sharing. "Awe is one of the few emotions that can reconfigure our sense of time and immerse us in the present moment."
        The scripture is full of awe moments. 
      So that those who dwell at the ends of the earth are in awe at your signs. You make the going out of the morning and the evening to shout for joy. Psalms 65:8
      I think we know them also as those “goosebumps” moments. - a shiver. It can feel like the touch of an angel - the whisper of the spirit.  Apparently all of us experience an awe moment  every three days - approximately. 
         We can ignore them, minimize them, and even scoff at them as mere imagination. We can even be wary of them, avoiding them - as too emotional and mysterious.
         Or we can notice them, pay attention and enhance them. We can study them, write them down and look for the patterns. We can super size their healing potential. 
          I believe we can trigger them intentionally. We can go to church, take a walk in the woods, listen to awesome music, seek out friends, engage those who walk with angels and read inspiring books.
          We can feel the shivers during worship -  feel the touch of an angel when we are kneeling in prayer. We can see the finger of God highlighting his word as we read, we can stop to smell a rose, we can  pause when a deer passes by our window.   
          Looking back, I still remember the awe moments years ago when our daughter was murdered and our world turned into one gigantic night sky - darker than you can ever imagine. Looking back I realize It was "awe studded."
        There were those "bigger than life"  storms that swirled around us, those strangers coming by and saying all the right things, those Bible verses that jumped off the page, those mysterious hugs of spirit warmth - those little nudges of encouragement,  At the very darkest -  those moments -  those awe moments felt divine - and kept us going.
        Who would ever want to throw away a faith that promises injections of awe?
       
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” Albert Einstein,
 
Research! https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/understanding-awe/201704/the-emerging-science-awe-and-its-benefits

 

 
     As I took my place around the radio studio table, one of the morning hosts said, "The remarkable thing about  you and your family - is that you have kept the faith."
    "Are we going to talk about that?" I asked with alarm.  I wasn’t ready for that question – I thought I had been called to do an interview about the Candace House.
       Sensing my alarm, she quickly reassured me. "Oh -no – we might want to explore it later this morning as a topic, but not with you. However, it is still remarkable that you have kept the faith."
        She paused to look at me intently - a huge question mark in her eyes. "I'm not talking about religion - just about keeping the faith," she says as she continues to study me, as if she wants to examine my soul for my answer. I have none at the moment. I am without words - without an answer.
          Thank goodness, radio is measured in seconds and minutes. Time is up. The question is shelved. We are on. 
      We talked about the Candace House - which was easy. I am overwhelmed with euphoric feelings and overwhelming gratitude when I think about the House and Candace.
          But as I meander through the rest of the intense media-focused day,  the question lingers.
          Journalist are gifted with those intuitive questions that capture the essence of the moment.  
           How did we keep the faith?
           What is it about faith that can be thrown away or lost?
           Why did she distinguish between faith and religion?
          Why have I tried desperately not to talk about my faith publicly?
          And what is my faith – how would I define it?
           And why was it important to keep it?
           How did I keep it?
          And it wasn't only Cliff and myself  - but our two adult children and their spouses who have kept the faith. In fact we are all now pastors! How did that happen? 
          How did we keep the faith when others have lost theirs during the same process?
           Is any of this important to anyone else?

          I wander around the house, coffee mug in hand. If my faith is important to anyone, I would blog about it - but is it important to share? I wonder vaguely. I don't think so.
        Besides,  I don't have the time. I am working on another assignment. In fact -  I'm royally stuck in this other extremely important assignment. Stuck, because I can't find a file.  I've been tearing the house apart - literally. I have about 40 file boxes strewn around the basement - partially opened. 
          (I'm not really a hoarder - only of notes and papers. And  if you stack file boxes -  8 high, in one corner of the house they don't take much room at all. But when they are all opened - what a mess!) 
           I've already cleared out the two closets in my study. There are about ten huge garbage bags of stuff that I've gone through in my search - full of papers that are useless - which I can't throw out for fear that one of those useless papers might become important. Do you sense the panic!?
          I need that file!!!!
          If it takes me another two months - two years,  I'm going through everything in my house to find that file. 
          Then I say -- to myself - and whoever is listening.
          "If I find that file - I will write that blog."
         Almost as if guided, coffee mug in hand, I go downstairs. I glance at all those boxes. Strewn. More disorganized then when I started. What an absolute mess!
         I walk to one -- not even sure why - and I start paging through the files again  - remembering that I had looked at this file box quite intently last night and found nothing. Why should I waste my time looking again?
          But then there is one file that has a funny title. I don't remember that title.... I open it up - quickly leafing through the notes. It's the wrong file - the dates are wrong. But  for some reason, I keep paging through it.
         Then at the very back of that file -  there is a shaft of stapled papers!
          It's the right topic - a detailed description! It has the date! It has everything I was looking for!
           Wow! 
          Found it!!!!! It's all there - just as I knew it would be. But in the wrong place - wrong era! What was I thinking!?
          I pause. I realize.....
          I realize without a doubt that it is truly a miracle that I have found it.
           It is less than five minutes from when I put out that question - that fleece - and found that file.
           I have as many questions as you do.
           But I'm not going to argue. Would you?
           I'm going to write this blog.
            And in the writing of this blog series  - I really am open to including you in the conversation.
            Let's talk about faith. Let's risk it.
            Let's explore.

          “Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
         "Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.” - John Green 

 I will be blogging three times a week.  Monday, Wednesday and Friday.   (Oh the promises we make!)  Please feel free to add your faith stories, questions and doubts.

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