Exploring the Awe
I have a dreadful, negative inner voice.
I have no confidence in myself. I truly believe that I don't have that much going for me.
I'm not that bright, I have no exceptional outstanding skills,
I was born to a very ordinary Mennonite family - a people that is and always has been marginalized.
I have always been slightly desperate, panicked, wondering where I was going to find the resources to keep myself together and to keep my family together. I am a middle child, who really has never found herself. Just putting food on the table, paying the bills and keeping the house in order - were sometimes beyond me.
And then to have this enormous, dramatic, over-exposed, uncharted responsibility of mothering this trauma- riddled mystery of this abducted, murdered, invisible but yet real child, seemed impossible at times.
I've often said, I never had the opportunity to choose a cause or a ministry of my own,I was given one.
Murder, victimization, and all of the related causes were given to me . To survive I had to take on the challenge of each issue that presented itself to me - and it seemed whatever we did, the cameras were interested.
Panic. There was this need to find her, to grieve her, and to find justice for her. We needed to turn all of the ugliness into something we could live with.
Complete vulnerability. I had no confidence in myself - I had to find it elsewhere.
Finding confidence is everything.
And that's what God is in the business of. - giving "awe" moments that build our confidence.
So often we want God to remake us, live our lives for us, make it easier for us, and spare us the drudgery of our lives.
We forget God loves us. He wants to work with us - as we are.
He can do this best by walking along side, and giving us confidence to face the challenge of every moment.
He knows we can do anything if we have a support system around us.
Life with all its ups and downs is not our problem, the fear, anger, disappointment, despair, loneliness, and all of that negativity is our real enemy. God helps us with all of that by remaining present and giving us confidence to be the real us.
On that verdict day, the accused was acquitted.
Acquitted?
No Justice for our daughter?
We had waited 33 years .....
Empty - it was all empty. And then the volcano started to stir....
We could have lost it. I have lost it for much less.
We could have bolted. Puddled. Vented. Lashed out at everything and everyone.
Yet it was the end of the story - the ultimate test - the critical climax. It was the finale. and it was being witnessed - by everyone. The cameras were waiting.
To think clearly at that moment, I needed an infusion of confidence.
There it was. "The prisoners will be set free." We had been divinely prepared. . God had known. His presence was real. We were not alone. It would all work out - if we kept the course. All we had to do was stay the course.
It was an awe moment that has had rippling effects.
The other day, we were soaking in the hot pond at Thermea, enjoying the heat and admiring the star studded night when I was approached by a complete strangers who knows everything about me. She is inspired by our story.
I am greeted at Home Depot, by a man who very briefly walks beside us - gives us beautiful words of encouragement, as he is wiping the tears from his eyes. "You make me cry," he says as he disappears.
I am touched on the hand in Costco ... "You are a amazing."
Amazing? When did that happen?
We could have fallen on our faces - we didn't feel we were inspiring. It felt as if we were always teetering on the brink of disaster - never expecting to survive but we have. And we are now reaping those moments where we depended on God to see us through.
We had confidence that he knew the way... and would guide us. He gave it through that "awe" moment.... so needed. And now that "awe" moment is creating more "awe" moments through all these "awe"-inspiring strangers -- its become a string of "awe" moments. It's become supersized.
It's a supersized "awe." Still growing even as I write this.
Back to the question: How have we kept the faith?
It kept us. It continues to keep us.
It is awesome.
God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars. - Elbert Hubbard
I have no confidence in myself. I truly believe that I don't have that much going for me.
I'm not that bright, I have no exceptional outstanding skills,
I was born to a very ordinary Mennonite family - a people that is and always has been marginalized.
I have always been slightly desperate, panicked, wondering where I was going to find the resources to keep myself together and to keep my family together. I am a middle child, who really has never found herself. Just putting food on the table, paying the bills and keeping the house in order - were sometimes beyond me.
And then to have this enormous, dramatic, over-exposed, uncharted responsibility of mothering this trauma- riddled mystery of this abducted, murdered, invisible but yet real child, seemed impossible at times.
I've often said, I never had the opportunity to choose a cause or a ministry of my own,I was given one.
Murder, victimization, and all of the related causes were given to me . To survive I had to take on the challenge of each issue that presented itself to me - and it seemed whatever we did, the cameras were interested.
Panic. There was this need to find her, to grieve her, and to find justice for her. We needed to turn all of the ugliness into something we could live with.
Complete vulnerability. I had no confidence in myself - I had to find it elsewhere.
Finding confidence is everything.
And that's what God is in the business of. - giving "awe" moments that build our confidence.
So often we want God to remake us, live our lives for us, make it easier for us, and spare us the drudgery of our lives.
We forget God loves us. He wants to work with us - as we are.
He can do this best by walking along side, and giving us confidence to face the challenge of every moment.
He knows we can do anything if we have a support system around us.
Life with all its ups and downs is not our problem, the fear, anger, disappointment, despair, loneliness, and all of that negativity is our real enemy. God helps us with all of that by remaining present and giving us confidence to be the real us.
On that verdict day, the accused was acquitted.
Acquitted?
No Justice for our daughter?
We had waited 33 years .....
Empty - it was all empty. And then the volcano started to stir....
We could have lost it. I have lost it for much less.
We could have bolted. Puddled. Vented. Lashed out at everything and everyone.
Yet it was the end of the story - the ultimate test - the critical climax. It was the finale. and it was being witnessed - by everyone. The cameras were waiting.
To think clearly at that moment, I needed an infusion of confidence.
There it was. "The prisoners will be set free." We had been divinely prepared. . God had known. His presence was real. We were not alone. It would all work out - if we kept the course. All we had to do was stay the course.
It was an awe moment that has had rippling effects.
The other day, we were soaking in the hot pond at Thermea, enjoying the heat and admiring the star studded night when I was approached by a complete strangers who knows everything about me. She is inspired by our story.
I am greeted at Home Depot, by a man who very briefly walks beside us - gives us beautiful words of encouragement, as he is wiping the tears from his eyes. "You make me cry," he says as he disappears.
I am touched on the hand in Costco ... "You are a amazing."
Amazing? When did that happen?
We could have fallen on our faces - we didn't feel we were inspiring. It felt as if we were always teetering on the brink of disaster - never expecting to survive but we have. And we are now reaping those moments where we depended on God to see us through.
We had confidence that he knew the way... and would guide us. He gave it through that "awe" moment.... so needed. And now that "awe" moment is creating more "awe" moments through all these "awe"-inspiring strangers -- its become a string of "awe" moments. It's become supersized.
It's a supersized "awe." Still growing even as I write this.
Back to the question: How have we kept the faith?
It kept us. It continues to keep us.
It is awesome.
God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars. - Elbert Hubbard
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