Finding it hard to think of getting up, so watched my husband methodically prepare for the day.
       "How do you just keep so even keel?" I ask. "You just follow your routine and don't let things bother you. I am bothered and I don't feel like getting up."
         He didn't bother to answer.
         "How do you do it?" I ask again.
          He glanced at me. "I don't dwell on things?"
         "Then you are in a big denial?"
       "No," he said with a tiny chuckle. "I just focus on the things I want to - and not dwell on the negativity."
        He's right - he doesn't. He is so annoying. 
        I  roll over and close my eyes,  but that second sleep evades me,
        I sit up. I might as well face the day.
        I'm reminded - it is always a choice.
        Do I focus on the comfort of my warm bed - or do I begin to think of the excitement of a new day?
        Do I linger on the wear and tear of yesterday - or embrace the unexplored  day?
         Why is it harder for me than my husband? Why do some people have it easier than others? 
         My husband brings me coffee.....
         I forgive him.

Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things - with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope. -  Corazon Aquino

      "I need something," I declared.
     My dear husband looked up from the paper. "What do you need?" he asked in a very patient tone -- the most patient tone he owns.
      "I don't know." I said - in absolute frustration. "I just feel empty, -  listless, goalless, restless, aimless,  just less in every way."
         He just looked very sympathetic.... "Is it the book?"
        Ah yes - the book! The book that I worked on for two years, completed, and edited. I had even booked a launch date at McNally Robinsons book store. It was going to be the best. But then I sent it out to be read. Disaster. Even though it was a page-turner - profound -  and might even have been my one and only best seller - it gave the wrong message. I had actually failed to turn something evil into good - leaving any innocent reader seduced into the mindset of criminality. Yikes. Apparently I am more acquainted with the dark side than I thought. 
         Now I have to forgive.... turn this ugly moment into something good. 
         I remind myself.  "​Everything you think or do returns to the earth as food or poison. "
         I will start something new. 
         I will relearn forgiveness. I will turn my failure into food.
         I will create a Forgiveness Factory blog for myself and others until it becomes a habit.

“Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” –Lewis Smedes