Wilma Derksen
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  • 2025

The System  ... Problem Solving

3/17/2023

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Another function of the mind is to problem solve. Our brain wants to find a way to keep us safe and prevent it from happening again. We had a problem like no other....

Our first introduction to the trial of the man, who had murdered our daughter, was exacting. They had an entire system to solve the problem of justice. The dedication, the science of it all was impressive.


This is what happened the first day. ​It hadn’t started smoothly.

The first thing the Judge had to deal with was a young man dressed casually, carrying a backpack​. He came in and sat at the Defence table, obviously feeling very uncomfortable.

The Judge noticed him immediately – and explained to the rest of us that during the jury selection process one potential juror hadn’t shown up. “He’s here today to give his reason.” He nodded to the young man, giving him the floor.

The young man stood up and stuttered some kind of confusion about his date book, calendar, exams and stress.

The Judge was not amused and spoke severely to him. “Jury duty is a civic duty.” And gave him what could only be described as a very articulate “fatherly” talk but with the authoritative presence and threat of a judge who had the power to hold him in contempt of court… but still let him go.

After the young man left, Crown Brian Bell stood up. “Morning, My Lord.”

“Mr. Bell,” the Judge nodded. “Good morning.”

Assistant Crown Mike Himmelman stood up. “My Lord, good morning.”

Defence Saul Simmonds stood up. “Morning, My Lord.  Simmonds and Gama on behalf of Mr. Grant, My Lord.”

Assistant to the Defence Vanessa Gama, “Morning.”

The Judge nodded to them all. “Good morning. Mr. Bell, Mr. Simmonds. Mr. Grant has already been arraigned, so the only thing that will remain on the first day of the jury’s convocation here will be putting Mr. Grant in charge of the jury. As I understand it, we’re here for the first three days of this week, or first two days, two and a half days to deal with a voir dire.”

Voir dire! The first day – and we were starting with a delay – a voir dire!

A voir dire is an old French word means to speak the truth…. But actually it is a trial within a trial to determine an internal trial issue, such as the admissibility of certain evidence. It is off the record, in house, a behind-the-doors conversation. It is “talking off the record.” It is not official because the jury is absent from the courtroom. There is always a publication ban on a voir dire. It lasted three days.

It was an immediate reminder that this trial was the real thing – not a preliminary hearing. This time it was the Defence who would be the one not exactly in control, but the one who was “on.”

I was very aware that Grant had one of the best defence lawyers in Winnipeg, if not in Canada. Saul Simmonds was a founding partner of Gindin Wolson Simmonds Roitenberg, who has been practicing criminal law since 1980. He was an academic gold medalist, and a published writer.

Out of the courtroom he was known as an athlete, an avid triathlete, who had even competed in the “Ironman Canada” competition in Penticton, B.C.

Twice during the court proceedings, he came up to me and extended his condolences to me for the death of my daughter and his understanding. He said that he had a son whom he loved dearly. The implication was he understood my grief – and that his argument was not against me personally but in defense of Grant.

I don’t remember my response, but I hope it was gracious and understanding. I did admire him. He had all the dedication, wit and flare that characterize a good defence lawyer. He was brilliant and full of drama. Every offender needs a good defence lawyer, or so I reminded myself continuously throughout the trial.

We were in Room 117, in the modern part of the courthouse, large, airy and very comfortable.

There is something fascinating about an intense voir dire. I felt like a child listening in on an adult conversation. Without the scrutiny of the media in the room, the three main players in the middle of the courtroom could just take off their gloves and battle it out.

The issues seemed more crystallized and clear, the conflict defined.

It started with Simmonds introducing the two issues that would take almost three days to discuss. It really felt as if Simmonds had taken control. But that shouldn’t surprise us – this was the accused’s territory – his land. We were on his turf.

We were reminded of this every time we went through the ritual of passing through security.

The entire Winnipeg Law Courts Complex has a perimeter security staffed by the Sheriff Services which meant that every time we entered the complex, we were required to step through a metal detector and send any bags, purses or briefcases through an X-ray device, similar to the security found at an airport.

Even the walkway, the name we gave the enclosed bridge over the street from the Woodsworth Building to the Law Courts Building, had security. We often chose to use it because it seemed less intrusive and more efficient. The security was unbending. We soon learned that we could not take in our cameras,  but we could take our cell phones.

​The security perimeter was a reminder that we were entering the land of logic. The entire justice system is marked by impartiality, dispassionate debate, and objective justice, free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism. There is something orderly and confident about law. 

We have an amazing system to problem solve our problem of justice. If nothing else, I hope I've  impressed you with the professionalism, the brilliance and the dedication to doing it right.

We had the best. Really - the very best!

Still  -  after a decade of process, which included appeals, Supreme Court of Canada, and a repeat trial - it still failed. He was acquitted. 

Except we were still convinced he was guilty.....the system had failed us. 

The system would not keep us safe - the man who had murdered our daughter was free to do it again. 


That didn't help our problem solving focused brain - already concussed.
​

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Application:
Problem Solving is the function of the brain that takes on the problems by defining it, generating alternative, evaluating and selecting alternatives, and then implementing solutions.
 
Forgiveness allows us to live within the problem and not panic when there is no obvious quick solution. It gives us room and space to be creative and even perhaps find alternative solutions - out of the box solutions.


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Factor X  - Function of Language

3/16/2023

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We are now exploring the mind which is all about finding the right word.

In our case it was the simplest words that defied our brain.​

He? Him? It was difficult to know what to call him - the person who had murdered our daughter.

Over the years, I’ve been in many conversations with other parents of murdered children who also did not know what to call the person who had killed their child. Some referred to him as: “the one”; “the killer”; “the murderer”; “the life-taker”; “the perpetrator”; even “the enemy.” To avoid all of this, some victims gave him a nickname or referred to him only by initials. It seems there is no consensus.

Once in the justice system, the accused was referred to as a person of interest, the suspect, someone implicated, or someone under suspicion. Once charged, he became known as the accused, offender, defendant, the prisoner, and eventually the appellant.

Later after sentencing, it was criminal, convict, felon, con, crook, sinner, guilty person, inmate. The names are endless. But during the court process, the lawyers and Judge would call him Mr. Grant.

After we learned that the police had an accused, but we didn’t know his name - we dubbed him “Factor X.”

Suffering from a concussed brain - we were at an extreme disadvantage in the courtroom listening to the Judge's that first day.

It started with the "charge."


“Now the phrase ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ is a very important part of our criminal justice system,” the Judge explained.

Reasonable doubt?

The Judge continued as if reading my mind. “A reasonable doubt, as I explained early on, is not a farfetched or frivolous doubt. It is not a doubt based on sympathy or prejudice. It is a doubt based on reason and common sense. It is a doubt that logically arises from the evidence or the lack of evidence.”

He paused, looked at the jury, letting them ponder his words.

“You should also remember, however, that it is nearly impossible to prove anything with absolute certainty. Crown counsel is not required to do so. Absolute certainty is a standard of proof that is impossibly high and it does not exist in law,” he concluded.

​We didn't understand....

The words were concise - but our minds were concussed.


Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble. - Yehuda Berg

Application:
The language function which are regions in our frontal, temporal and parietal lobes formulate what you want to say and the motor cortex, in your frontal lobe, enables you to speak the words. Most of this language-related brain activity is likely occurring in the left side of your brain.


After trauma our words escape us or we find that we are in a new world with a new vocabulary. Forgiveness is the first word that opens up the possibility of a new language - a new new set of words. Forgiveness words are accurate, truthful and full of grace and understanding.  


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Six Functions Fragmented

3/15/2023

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The murder left us with a concussed traumatized mind that needed to forgive and be healed.

The first symptom was our attention to details. It wasn't that we were irresponsible. We just didn't pay attention to bills, income tax, buying clothes, and cleaning the house. Everything paied in the light of murder.

We certainly didn't pay attention to speed limits. We were desperate - in emergency mode and if we had to get anywhere - even to a normal  church service - we had to get there quickly.  Both Cliff and I racked up speeding tickets like no other time in our lives. Cliff almost lost his license because of speeding tickets - and he was ordinarily a very cautious driver.

Our reaction to the police visit - 22 years later -  is the perfect example of the craziness that can occur in our minds.

Our brains are tasked with six main functions: attention, memory, language, problem solving, executive function, and human intelligence. All of which can be fragmented under duress.
 
Attention
In cognitive science, “attention” refers to all the mechanisms by which the brain selects information, amplifies it, channels it, and deepens its processing.  This is an editing process, alarm process.
 
Memory
Memory is the faculty of the brain by which data or information is encoded, stored, and retrieved when needed. Memory is often understood as an informational processing system with explicit and implicit functioning that is made up of a sensory processor, short-term (or working) memory, and long-term memory.
 
Language - Regions in your frontal, temporal and parietal lobes formulate what you want to say and the motor cortex, in your frontal lobe, enables you to speak the words. Most of this language-related brain activity is likely occurring in the left side of your brain.
  
Problem Solving
Problem Solving is the function of the brain that takes on the problems by defining it, generating alternative, evaluating and selecting alternatives, and then implementing solutions
  
Executive Function
Executive Function is that which controls by self regulation, self-control, time management and organization.
 
Human intelligence
Human intelligence is the mental quality that consists of the abilities to learn from experience, adapt to new situations, understand and handle abstract concepts, and use knowledge to manipulate one’s environment

The human brain is an incredible pattern-matching machine. The human brain has 100 billion neurons, each neuron connected to 10 thousand other neurons. Sitting on your shoulders is the most complicated object in the known universe.- Michio Kaku

​Application
In this blog I illustrate the role of attention - 


In cognitive science, “attention” refers to all the mechanisms by which the brain selects information, amplifies it, channels it, and deepens its processing.  This is an editing process, alarm process.

The murder skewed our ability to choose what we needed to focus on -  like  posted speed signs. Even in the beginning when we first saw the presence on the bed - we chose the word "forgiveness" to refocus our body  - and our brain.

Forgiveness means taking control of what we want to focus on - resisting the negativity bias that ties us to the trauma and  to choose the freedom of positivity found in forgiveness. 
​ 
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Bottled Water - Attention

3/14/2023

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​Twenty-two years later we received a call from the police, they wanted to meet.

The day of the meeting,  I made coffee and set out mugs on a silver tray ready for our guests. I straightened the pillows on the living room sofa, glanced at the thin film of dust, barely visible on the end table, and decided to ignore it. It was a meeting after all – not a visit.

I began to pace. Cliff wasn’t home yet. We still hadn’t talked. All my fears started to surface. What if now – in desperation – they would accuse Cliff again of the murder? Their suspicion had always been lurking in the background all these 22 some years. My mind was beginning to cycle. If it came up, we would need to call a lawyer.

I was just about to call Cliff on his cell when I noticed his van pull up on the driveway. He came in breathing heavily, carrying two large bags – basically his transportable office for his janitorial business.

“Have to shower,” he said, taking off his jacket and starting down the hallway to the bedroom.

“No time to shower.” I followed him, picking up his bags and taking them to his office so they would be safely out of sight. “They are going to be here any minute. Put on something black.”

“Why black?”

“No time to discuss it. Just wear something black.”

He was already taking off his shirt when I walked into the bedroom. “Black, always black. What is it with you and black?” he grumbled.

There was something in his tone that told me that he was as worried as I was.

“Confidence,” I said. “It’s all about confidence. And we need all the confidence we can muster for this visit.”

He picked out black trousers from his closet, a charcoal shirt. I nodded my agreement.

“I’ve made coffee for them,” I said. “But I don’t have any bottled water. I forgot to pick some up.”

He smiled. “I forgot to pick up donuts,” he said, chuckling. “I promised them donuts.”

I winced. “No donut jokes. Please – no donut jokes.”

I sat down momentarily on the bed.

“But before they come, we need to have a plan,” I said. “We still haven’t chosen a secret word or some kind of code to use if we sense something is coming down. We need to be able to signal to each other if we are feeling overwhelmed – losing control – or if there is danger.”

He shrugged. “If I think we need a lawyer, I’ll just say so.”

It was hard to explain to him my fears. After all these years, he still had no realization of the intense suspicions aimed at our whole family – and particularly him. “We might want to caucus in the kitchen before we confront them with calling a lawyer,” I insisted.

The doorbell rang.

“Green thumb,” I said. “The secret signal will be green thumb. If I say something about a ‘green thumb’ then you know we need to talk privately. I’ll head for the kitchen and you come help me with coffee or something.”

“Green thumb? You’ll never be able to bring that up in a conversation.”

I thought about it again. He was right. It did sound crazy. I had thought it might be easy to look at all our green plants in the living room, point them out and say something about Cliff’s green thumb. But our guests were going to be men.

“Bottled water,” I tried again. “We can use the words ‘bottled water’ for our secret code.”

“But we don’t have bottled water,” he said.

Exactly!

The doorbell rang a second time. I started down the hallway. Cliff was close at my heels.

“Bottled water it is,” I said. “If I refer to bottled water – head for the kitchen.”

There were three men standing there – tall – all dressed in black.

We invited them in to sit down.
​

They sat down. Three officers dressed in black, in our living room reminding me of that first night when Candace disappeared. It was bringing it all back. Flashbacks, memories – and those dreadful feelings of their accusations.

The officer who had called the meeting, cleared his throat, completely unaware of my thoughts, waited then said, “We found him.”

I nodded and waited. They waited.

“We know who did it,” he said, watching us.

I still nodded. I still couldn’t say anything. From the corner of my eye, I knew Cliff was having as much trouble as I was – wondering what their next words would be. Our minds were racing in a million directions.

They were waiting for a response.

I just couldn’t ask “who” – and trigger the “you.” And then they would look at Cliff and take him away - falsely accuse him again.

They were waiting….

“Are you sure?” I said finally.

“Yes.”

I looked at each one of them separately. They all nodded. It was easy to tell that they were all united.

I still didn’t know how to move the conversation along, to hide our own fears and still release them to tell us more.

Finally, I thought of the perfect question. “Do we know him?”

“No, you don’t.” they said.

“Are you sure we don’t know him?” feeling the first wave of relief.

“Yes – we are sure. You don’t know him.”

“Are you sure?”

He leaned slightly forward. “And I just want to let you know… it isn’t anyone known to your family.”

The supervisor who was sitting beside me repeated, “It isn’t anyone you know.”

“No one we know,” I said in disbelief.

Maybe we were on safe ground?

They must have said it a dozen times in different ways before I was convinced this wasn’t some kind of trick.

“Aren’t you relieved?”
​
We nodded. Our poor, traumatized minds could not absorb it. It was hard to erase 22 years of careful solid defenses in one second.

The rest of the visit is a bit of a blur - I think we were able then to convey our gratitude for their initiative, their hard work and their thoughtfulness. I hope we did.


But after they left -- Cliff and I completely exhausted - looked at each other and and howled with laughter. We just laughed and laughed at our craziness - our crazy concussed minds.

After that we would always laugh at the words, "... bottled water."


There is certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place. - Washington Irving

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Pause in Review

3/13/2023

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I'm now going to move into the mind quadrant.... How does the mind forgive? This is going to be tough for me.  I don't live in my mind.

If you are new to this conversation,  I am blogging out my experience of forgiveness through the lens  of the four parts of the person –  body, heart, mind and spirit. These four can be traced back to  the beginning of time recorded by leaders such as Hippocrates.

I’m also envisioning a  Forgiveness Center. The first floor of this imaginary Centre was fashioned with body forgiveness in mind. This is my weakest area of awareness so I found it fascinating. The second floor is fashioned with heart forgiveness which features storytelling. 

I have now taken the imaginary elevator to the third floor – that of the mind. 

I thought the mind would be simple -"one just chooses" to forgive. I grew up in the era of the old revival meetings where one would choose to be converted and walk up the "sawdust trail" as an outward manifestation of "choosing." It was all about choosing.

Didn't we 'just choose" to forgive that night we saw the trauma presence on the bed? Wasn't that just the mind? Not necessarily when one realizes that the body holds the trauma. Perhaps it was in partnership with the brain - and if so what part of the brain.


Apparently according to neuroscience, which is the branch of the natural sciences concerned with how the brain and the nervous system control behavior, there are six main functions of the brain. 

It took all of these six functions of the brain to navigate the decade-long trial that we went through - which definitely was a mind game. 
​
We are truly beautifully and wonderfully made.

Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, 'How can we hide our wounds?' so we don't have to be embarrassed, but 'How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?' – Henri Nouwen


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Second Floor – Conversational Pit

3/10/2023

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Sometimes we need to climb a mountain to master the forgiveness process.
​
I glance out side. I see the sun reflecting off of the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. I remember climbing to the top of the Museum - experiencing that glass finger pointing upward, a dramatic symbol of hope.
 
It’s a elegant mountain encased in glass. 
 
Perfect. If I had 100 billion dollars, I’d borrow me some of the design ideas from the Museum and build me a Healing Forgiveness Centre close to the Winnipeg airport on the way to Stony Mountain.

Here, I'm going to dream a bit. What would an ideal Forgiveness/Healing Centre look like remembering that the sensitive  heart- the holding tank for all relational and emotional communications- needs to feel completely safe in order to forgive.


To begin with the second floor --- the heart floor -- would be filled with conversational pits – chairs, coffee tables, sofas, pillows and throw blankets - all arranged to fit every conversational need. Off to one side there would be little conference rooms for support meetings - some with picture windows some with mood lighting.

And then off to other side there would be a "sand tray" room lined with shelves of little "life symbol" ornaments galore. Hovering close by there would be therapists skilled in the art of sand trays – a magical story telling method that digs deep into the unconscious levels of life’s plots and needs.

There would be rooms for circles - another form of telling story. These would be facilitated by another group of  people "circle holders"– people skilled in shaping circle conversations and versed in the role of talking sticks or talking stones to keep the conversations safe and equalized.

Then perhaps on a balcony betwixt – there would be recording booths, state of the art technology – an introduction to the StoryVault Reunion Registry. I’m presuming this would be a huge computer system but I think it would also need to have a symbolic presence – to help give the feeling of secure safe keeping. Perhaps the balcony would look much like a bank with tellers and protocol – passwords - to keep the process safe and neutral.

For the prisoners from Stony Mountain, there might need to be an underground safe passage in and out for the criminally defined to also have access to the StoryVault. There would be no one too fragile or too violent to have access to the StoryVault.
 
To feel the  love as communicated through the five love languages there would need to be a gift shop with enticing little symbols of all that pertains to love. Everyone would be given a free bracelet of love beads or any other seasonal party favors.

The walls – all walls from the hallways to bathroom stalls - would need to be decorated with scripted words and quotes -  promising encouragement and inspiration and validation of love.

This entire floor would need to be hosted by 
sanguine conversationalists as greeters at the door who would be trained to touch discreetly – the quick hug, the pat on the shoulder – all with good warning and permission.

There would be waiter types that would serve coffee and doughnuts to whoever would need a refreshment -  for those who need to be served in order to feel special.

There would be tour guides for those who need quality time - to go on a pilgrimage. Since our climate isn't conducive to year round outdoor activities - a pilgrimage experience could be captured by walking on treadmills in a panoramic movie theatre with soft music accompanied by  scenes of the Camino de Santiago  - the ultimate pilgrimage of broken hearts.

There would would need to be another theatre that would play only classic forgiveness stories. 

Oh yes, and every emotion -  70 in total if not more -  would be identified, explored and expressed with gentleness. There would be kleenex boxes everywhere and sound proof booths for the screamers.

This would be the perfect  place to showcase my daughter's 490 crocheted tears installation art piece, that could be surrounded with little studio tables for people  to create their own artistic tears - giving them permission to cry and cry and cry some more. 

This floor would be a place where the power of storytelling , like streams of living water, would surge or trickle.. As reminders, this floor would be decorated with white ribbons symbolic of the victim/trauma bond being recycled to healing connections of love. White bows, ribbons of white would be the theme - worn by the participants and flowing like streamers from one room to the next. 


There would also need to be also those who police the boundaries of apologies and confessions – those in tune to the ultimate forgiveness moments when the "heart meets heart " These moment of connection would need to be celebrated. For this there would need to be a story wall - much like a wailing wall - decorated with stickies documenting the personal  forgiveness journeys.

To enable the flow of seekers traveling from one floor to the next, there would need to be a glass elevator between the floors.

​
To forgive another person from the heart is an act of liberation. We set that person free from the negative bonds that exist between us. We say, “I no longer hold your offense against you” But there is more. We also free ourselves from the burden of being the “offended one.” As long as we do not forgive those who have wounded us, we carry them with us or, worse, pull them as a heavy load. The great temptation is to cling in anger to our enemies and then define ourselves as being offended and wounded by them. Forgiveness, therefore, liberates not only the other but also ourselves. It is the way to the freedom of the children of God.- Henry Nouen
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Broken Dialogue

3/9/2023

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And then it crashed.

From the very beginning, the authors and program directors of restorative justice had always assured me the goal of restorative justice was to provide an equal platform for both victim and offender. 

And here I had delivered exactly what everyone had been asking for – a program that assured a platform for victims that now matched the platform of the offenders. I had thought restorative justice was all about equal opportunity of victim and offender – trying to be perfectly balanced. Apparently my program now put the offender at a disadvantage.

The Restorative Justice organizers could not endorse my program and admitted that if an encounter was offender-initiated and offender-directed, it was restorative justice and within the mandate of Correctional Service Canada. However, if it was victim-initiated and victim-oriented, it was victim services and not within their mandate.

My victim friends had been right – the existing programs had been offender-driven program from the beginning. Rene got the gymnasium; I got the classroom. Offenders had all kinds of para-corrections, non-profit organizations – charities that helped with rehabilitation programs; victims had only customer service desks in various offender-driven organizations.
​
No one had any idea of how one-sided the world of justice appeared to victims.

I became quite vocal about all of this  -  and eventually did more harm than good.

Then I had an idea - and it still is just an idea. It is a dream and nothing more.


What if we could design a neutral encounter program much like an adoption reunion registry which is a formal mechanism where adoptees and their birth family members can be reunited? These registries exist in countries  which practice closed adoption,  i.e. adoption in which the full identities of the birth parents, birth family members and the adopting family are not readily disclosed. These Reunion Registries are based on mutual consent and do matches from the information provided by the registrants.

What if the same model were used for victim and offender stories? Where either victim or offender can submit a story that would only be released if there were a match. The possibilities of something like this could be endless....

It wouldn't only attract victim and offender stories of serious crime but that of anyone who has lost their voice. It could be used by parents who have lost the ability to communicate their story to their children. It could be used by someone falsely accused -- or siblings from dysfunctional families. 

I still believe in the old fashioned Canadian simple "I'm sorry" that covers a multitude of sins like stepping on another persons toes, but there are times when that isn't enough. 

I believe that there are times when a story that is drowned out by fierce opposition needs a safe place to be seeded, stored and then held  until it can be safely matched with the intended recipient.  We need a StoryVault Reunion Registry.   


At this point, this StoryVault Reunion Registry would need to be researched, piloted and evaluated to ensure safety for anyone who would like to participate.

But I think it would be worth it. Once the StoryVault would be in place -  we would then need to find a neutral - equal opportunity  - program that will facilitate the safe exchange of matched forgiveness embedded stories.

For this we would need the Forgiveness Center. It is such fun to dream....

It was such fun to envision this Forgiveness Center with Cliff.  I miss him. He loved the idea of a StoryVault Reunion Registry. It was something we would have used....


When you have a conflict, that means that there are truths that have to be addressed on each side of the conflict. And when you have a conflict, then it's an educational process to try to resolve the conflict. And to resolve that, you have to get people on both sides of the conflict involved so that they can dialogue. - Dolores Huerta



 


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Safe Justice Conversations

3/8/2023

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As you can tell, I believe in the power of storytelling and the healing of forgiveness.

After seeing the father of a murdered daughter shake hands with the Kingpin in prison and witnessing his ongoing transformation. And, after having experienced my own healing conversations with Rene, I was eager to promote “encounter” opportunities for every victim of serious crime.


Actually Rene and I became the "dog and pony show"  – often finding ourselves on the same platform as I had at one time feared.

This created a natural demand for our services and we began to organize these “encounter” programs, witnessing the miracle over and over again.

These were helpful but then I began to notice that there was an inherent imbalance. Victims telling their stories were able to resolve their anger issues - which was enough for them. But offenders - were not only able to resolve their anger issues -  they would stand to gain concrete brownie points that would go on their record and aid in early release, etc.

When the victims found out about these 'brownie points' they were horrified and felt that they had been manipulated. I began to sense the imbalance more and more and decided that these encounters were offender driven and focused and not as victim friendly as I thought.


Eventually we found the funding to pilot our own Safe Justice Encounters in which the victim was in control.
It was set up to partner with the John Howard Society and Mediation Services. I felt that we had finally developed the perfect victim-focused, victim-driven, and victim-initiated restorative justice program.

In this program, victims were in control of the entire encounter process. They were front and center. They could outline their needs, their expectations, and then we would take their custom-made plan and set up a meeting with the offender.

We were so excited. One of the first encounters met every one of our expectations. The victim was able to lay out her plan carefully, concisely and descriptively.

She bravely met the offender who was at times disgusting. Through out the session he was still trying to control her. I was glad for Rene who managed the offender, while I managed to keep the victim safe.

  
There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community. ​ M. Scott Peck

Both Rene and I have documented our work together. You can find them on Amazon “Most Wanted,” by Rene Durocher: “Dispelling the Clouds,” by Wilma Derksen.
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White Ribboned Forgiveness

3/7/2023

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Forgiveness needs to be embedded in storytelling.

Stories rooted in forgiveness remove the flags of red hot trauma by floating white ribbons of peace - reconnecting  broken relationships.

Stories, because of their imaginative power, have much greater impact than simple facts. A simple apology has more power when it is embedded in story.  Increased brain engagement leads not only to increased thought on the engaging topic, but increased memory as well. When that engagement and memory are controlled and focused in a positive way, the brain’s love for storytelling can be the key to healing and happiness found in forgiveness.


When a person can identify the role  of forgiveness in their own story as well as the individual elements of their story, they can then begin to understand their lives and their world  in a new integrated and healing way.

Stories embedded in forgiveness are a bonding tool. They unite people in their quests to overcome turmoil because everyone can identify with and relate to a story.

Hearing someone else’s forgiveness story can provide hope to the broken. Often, the only thing that can comfort someone who has lived through great tragedy or tough circumstances is the account of someone else who went through something similar and made it through. They will feel less alone.

A forgiveness story can heal the wounds of the past and focus on the challenges and joys of the present.

Remorse, confessions, apologies, forgiveness and promises of change, become even more powerful when embedded in vulnerable storytelling.

The most amazing thing for me is that every single person who sees a movie, not necessarily one of my movies, brings a whole set of unique experiences. Now, through careful manipulation and good storytelling, you can get everybody to clap at the same time, to hopefully laugh at the same time, and to be afraid at the same time.- Steven Spielberg


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Importance of storytelling

3/6/2023

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Sharing our story is heart work.  Storytelling is where we feel it, live it, tell it. Telling our story is the most important thing we will ever do.

The aftermath of murder changed our world and it was through the art of storytelling that we kept found our way through it.

It was by telling our story that we motivated people to look for Candace when she went missing. Then after her body was found, it was through storytelling that we could find meaning in her death and our own healing.

It was through storytelling that we were able to connect with the other side- those who could be considered our enemies. It was storytelling that helped us cross impossible boundaries and free ourselves from the victim and offender trauma bond that threatened to hold us hostage.
 
Story telling is truth-telling: letting others see what’s in our heart. Ultimately we share our stories of suffering in the hopes that others will find comfort and guidance in the shared story while they continue their own journey.

The science backs up this belief.

According to the neuroscience of storytelling, one reason the brain falls in love with a good story is because hearing stories encourages the release of the hormones oxytocin and cortisol. Oxytocin is a hormone that controls things like empathy and social interaction. Cortisol is connected to the stress response - and helps regulate it.

We can become healthier as we share our stories.


“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” — Maya Angelou
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    "W", stands for writing, walking, wondering, wandering, winning, wincing,  and for Wilma,  This is an invitation to come walk, write, wander with me!

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