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Red Triggers

2/15/2023

I was killing some time in an airport in the states - probably Chicago - browsing through a magazine rack for something to do while waiting for my flight home, when a provocative headline and picture on a male magazine caught my eye.

I had been told that Playboy magazine employed some of the best research journalist so I was intrigued. Men think women are incomprehensible -- the same could be said of them. And here was the perfect opportunity to do some discreet research. Remember back then we had no google search engines so I picked up the magazine and was immediately drawn into a whole new world - absorbed - while feeling slightly guilty.

"You must be Wilma Derksen!" I reeled around -- magazine still in my hands - and came face to face with a complete stranger who had obviously recognized me.

"I admire your faith...." and his eyes drifted to the magazine I was holding and stopped. I more or less threw the forbidden magazine back, mumbling something about research, and we both fled the scene.

Yuk! No privacy! I shouldn't be surprised.

Together with the Search Committee, we had cultivated media attention when Candace went missing and then had cooperated with them ever after - feeling slightly beholden to them for being there when we needed them. Apparently the most effective advertisement campaigns are designed to last six weeks. Candace went missing for seven weeks. Not only that - the trial lasted ten years also carefully covered by the media.

We not only suffered the loss of our oldest daughter, we suffered the loss of control over our own story, our sense of safety, our focus, our concentration and all that we had worked for. We were totally derailed by the murder to the point where it affected Cliff's career and our financial security. Most noticeably - we lost our privacy.

And each loss was noticed.

The body keeps score and plants a red trigger warning sign on each tiny loss. The worst part of all of this is that the red flags take up valuable space - another loss. In the end, the flags have the ability to multiply on their own causing an epidemic of red flags until our lives are a field of red - where nothing else can grow. And then these flags grow deep roots and become almost impossible to pull out. What a mess of red we can become.

Through it all we said we would forgive. What does that mean to the field of red?

Forgiveness simply means "letting go" of the loss and planting a simple flower of hope instead. The hope is based on the promise that 'all things work together for good to those who choose love rather than fear."

It worked... Instead of a field of red flags, I have a view of a house... Candace House that offers hope.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Death - friend or foe

2/14/2023

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Since survival is the bodies main interest and responsibility, it shouldn't surprise us that fear is it's base line and that death is it's primary enemy.

After Candace's murder, I saw death lurking at every corner. Candace's death was the first --- and it seemed to last for the seven week we didn't know where she was. Once her body was found, death attached itself to profound grief that lasted years.

During a regular doctor's appointment, which you would think would be safe, the doctor's office miscalculated on the amount of Cliff's allergy shot, vaccinated him and he nearly died of an overdose. He had to spend three hours under observation. He came home shaken.

A little while later, Odia and I walked over to a McDonalds near our house. It must have been rush hour because the traffic was fast and steady. Then suddenly as we were walking and chatting, she thought I said we needed to cross the highway and stepped right into traffic, I pulled her back just in time. Shaken.

And then we went swimming and Syras fell into the deep end of the pool and someone scooped him out just in time - leaving us shaken.

I thought death was stalking us. At this point the tension of living with imminent death was too much and I felt myself giving in to death. Whenever I drove past a cemetery, I yearned to lie down with them. I would never have thought of suiciding but the temptation was there. And then I was given a choice.

I think Dave Loewen's sensed this heaviness because he sent Cliff and I on an assignment to document Camp Seton, an exceptionally beautiful children's camp, It was so fun to pretend we were a filming crew on the hunt for that picture perfect moment. To help us, the Seton camp director had planned a chuck wagon ride. The plan was that we would videotape the wagon filled with children as they came down a hill along a dusty trail.

At the bottom of the hill, as I was looking for the perfect camera angle I heard a strange sound. Cliff yelled a warning to me. "I think they're coming...and they're out of control!"

Sure enough, they were stampeding down the hill. I hid behind some bushes alongside the fence. Surely they'd stay on the trail. They wouldn't run through the fence!

But the team veered off the road and heading right for me! I couldn't believe it. I was in a small ditch, and I could see those huge hooves pounding up the dust at eye level and the rider desperately pulling at the reins. It was like a scene out of a wild West movie.

I had seconds, but seconds can be a long time. If I stayed frozen, I could go to be with Candace. I would find relief. I wouldn't have to deal with the trauma of life anymore - and then I saw the faces of my other two children.

I jumped— just in time. I felt the wind of horse's hooves rushing past me. I was left bruised and scratched. The only casualty was my $3.99 watch from Zellers, which had been smashed by the barbed wire slashing at my wrists.

Somewhere in the research, I learned that 100% parents of murdered children contemplate suicide at some point.

My mantra during this time was "we can choose to die a thousand deaths, or only once." - we needed to accept the fear and "let it go," over and over again (7X70).

We needed to concentrate on living the moment - which is all we have anyway.

Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. - Miyamoto Musashi

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100 Kisses

2/13/2023

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"If you ever do that again," my older sister was really ticked. "I'm going to kiss you a 100 times." It was the ultimate threat.

But of course my other sister would not be intimidated and did the forbidden - forcing my older sister to fly into action.

Smack, smack, smack, they bounced around the room. Things went flying!

The door at the bottom of the stairs opened and my father's deep voice asked, "What's going on up there?"

"I'm just kissing my sister."

There was a moment's bewildered hesitation then the door closed and the action continued - 100 bouncing smacks that left them both exhausted and laughing.

That was probably the extent of violence I ever witnessed in our home growing up. You have to remember that I grew up in a Mennonite home where to this day we can't remember our parents ever really disagreeing on anything in front of us. The only thing we remember is that on the rare occasion my mother would take my father's hand and they would go into the bedroom to talk.

After the murder of Candace my world changed. Culture shock! I now belonged to a victim world seething with violence.

After encountering my own murderous thoughts, I found myself intrigued with the revenge fantasies of others in the group. One quiet gentleman, whose daughter had been killed, said that he would take the killer to the woods and very slowly skin him alive, let him heal and then do it again and again. The worst of all tortures - and this from a well-mannered, law-abiding, church-going father.

As one of the leaders of the group I was suppose to help - but how? The rage was justified. There were no answers - except of course "to forgive" but that word was forbidden. I was left with the question how does one create a shift in someone who is "stuck" without using the word.

One day as I was having a mild venting conversation with my son about some issue back home, he responded in a way that shifted something deep inside of me. I stopped! Looked at him in amazement. "What did you just do?" I asked him.

At that time he was taking a psychology course by Dr. David Martens and was learning the art of evocative empathy, defined as "communicating understanding of the other persons intended message, especially the message based on an experience making it both an intellectual and an emotional process."

I was so impressed - we actually persuaded Dr. Martens to come and teach this evocative art of listening in a mini course for our volunteers working with victims of serious crime. It was highly successful and life changing - and I will explore the power of evocative empathy more in the heart quadrant.

At this point in time, I found it was hard to learn. I was missing something. Watching me struggle, Dr. Martens asked me if I knew what lay behind the fundamental need for revenge fantasies in victims of serious crime. Without any hesitation I said it was anger. In my victim world it was uncontrollable rage.

He shook his head. "It's fear," he said. I didn't agree with him and I told him so. The group agreed with me.

"Behind the rage -- look for the fear," he said softly.

Then he started to unravel the fear that presents itself in our reactions to anything that threatens our sense of safety. We were learning the fundamental truth that our body wants more than anything else in the world - just to survive.. Apparently our greatest fear is that of death, pain - and suffering.

We just want is to "be" and "feel" perfectly safe. And if anyone dares to challenge our "perfect" safety - we react.

Except no one is perfect - not even ourselves.

So we live in fear.

I think fearless is having fears but jumping anyway. - Taylor Swift

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God showed up!

2/10/2023

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I understand that my last few blogs have caused some discussions.
I feel I should apologize but then again it's always good to go back to the basics and revisit our world views/God views. Research shows that there is a direct correlation between our world view and our ability to forgive and move on.

If we experience God as a heartless manipulator or a loving Father makes a huge difference as to how we navigate through suffering.

Now back to the question of the astute student of psychology who asked, "And how were you able to pass through the emotional stage so quickly?"

She was referring to the research that has discovered that in order to climb the red stair case from the reptilian brain to the top floor of clarity of thought, the neocortex. one needs emotional stability and connection - love.

In other words where did Cliff and I get our "love" to ward off the trauma.

Father God showed up. I'll never forget, November 30 - the day that Candace disappeared. We were frantic to find her but eventually we had exhausted all leads, the police went home, the telephone stopped ringing - everyone went to sleep ....

In those wee hours of the morning, I was left alone bargaining. I pounded on heaven's door pleading for my daughter. My worst nightmare would be having her held hostage for days and days of abuse - I dared to say. "God take her home, if there is no other alternative." And then felt the regret of those words immediately. Then back to, "Please God I'll do anything - just bring her home."

Suddenly as I begged, I heard the whisper, "I too am a parent of a murdered child...." -- and I remembered the darkness that covered the earth after Christ died on the cross. The darkness said it all. I was feeling that darkness. God the Father understood.

I wasn't alone. We were traveling the darkness together which meant Candace wasn't alone either. We can do anything as long as we aren't alone.

Leaving my fear with the Father, I was able to leave my front door and living room window, and climb the stairs to my warm bed - still waiting - still praying - still being with Candace - but knowing God was there with me and with Candace.

Feeling the support of the Father, I was able to "climb the red stair case" and leave the panic at the front door. It's the power of love.

“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of suffering; because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear,.” - John

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Precarious Position

2/10/2023

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The plot thickens.

Apparently, there was a rebel spirit floating in the universe that wanted to annoy God - probably much like a tiny fly flitting about - irritating but nothing serious.

This mischievous spirit shapeshifted itself into a Serpent. Cee Cee actually gets to know him quite well. Remember Cee Cee is my fictionalized dove who witnessed creation.
Cee Cee watches the Serpent tempt Adam and Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit of the tree of good and chaos.

The Serpent says to the woman, “You will not certainly die. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

They take the fruit to eat it.

Cee Cee notices how the chaos in the fruit immediately changes their DNA. It fragments them, and destroys their perfect, loving and just world that they were familiar with. They are traumatized.

Remember Adam and Eve were created just a little higher than the animal. They were not divine human beings and not in any way capable of handling the responsibility of the vibrating combination of good and chaos. The act of consuming this fruit, made of two battling substances, promoted Adam and Eve far beyond their own capabilities and their comprehension.

They are noticeably traumatized, so the first thing they do is to arm themselves with fig leaves, flee into the forest and hide.

God sensed something was amiss immediately when he came to earth for his regular visit. He asks questions. There has been a huge shift in the universe - fragile creature has been injected with a potion of vibrating good and evil. It probably was a surprise to the Serpent and to God that Adam and Eve didn’t explode into fireworks - or a million pieces.

This was a huge victory for the Serpent. I personally wonder if the Serpent didn't take advantage of this moment and brand us with his image when he gained authority over us just like God branded us with his image when he created us as human beings. The reptilian brain looks slightly reptilian - fascinating.

We know that the Serpent lied to Adam and Eve, when he said they wouldn't die...because physically they did die. But was the Serpent telling the truth when he said, "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil?”

What if Adam and Eve became like God? What if we, because we now inhabit both good and evil (while God is good and limited by his goodness) have some strange powers that take us out of the control of both the Serpent and God? Is this why we have the power to choose?

What do we do with that? That makes our choices incredibly important and all powerful.

This puts God in a very precarious position. He has been betrayed and forced into a negotiating/partnership with a lying serpent – the worst possible nightmare for a good God. He is put into a position where he could lose control of his creation if he allows Adam and Eve to exist compromised.

We know from scripture; God is tempted to destroy his creation. But it isn't an easy choice, God is still loyal and in love with his creation so he makes a few changes to contain the vibrating good and evil, sets up a plan of redemption for them - then waits.

If this is true, does this mean that human beings, though corrupted and vibrating, now hold a potential to have a more intimate and fuller relationship with God - more equal than anyone could have imagined before? This situation holds so much potential - and so much pain. Especially for us who are not only holding the tension of good and evil in our frail bodies but are now caught in the continuing cosmic war between the Serpent and God. No wonder we suffer!

God chooses us. He honors Adam and Eve's choice. He deliberately limits himself.

Then like a loving father, God has to let go -- let it play out - hoping that one day the prodigal son will return.

"For God so loved the world....."

O thou great, unknown Power! Thou Almighty God, who hast lighted up reason in my breast and blessed me with immortality! I have frequently wandered from that order and regularity necessary for the perfection of thy works, yet thou hast never left me nor forsaken me. - Robert Burns

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Spectacular Display of Fireworks.

2/9/2023

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After being introduced to Kushner's theology, I was intrigued.

When I am intrigued, I write. The only way that I could process this all was to fictionalize the story of creation. I chose to write a story about a snow white dove called "Cee Cee." What fun I had! As a tiny bird, Cee Cee witnesses the entire earth being created and comes to her own conclusions. By the way - to fictionize sometimes demands more research then a simple essay... just saying.

Anyway, I would love to publish this novel and declare it 'truth' but I have realized over time I'm not good at convincing anyone of anything. Besides we all need to personally come to our own conclusions about God's sovereignty in the world and in our lives..

I have to admit that Cliff and I did not hold the same view. He was in some ways much more conservative than I was and had a larger capacity for faith than I did. So we would often fall into a debate over it all - never agreeing but always ending with some learnings and definitely a greater appreciation and love for each other.

This is the background story that Cee Cee came up with. This is not the actual novel but a simple description of some of Cee Cee's learnings

A long time ago, the Creator God was roaming the edges of his universe when he noticed the dark vapors of a murky, moving waste – also described as a chaotic mess.

This is the first indication that the universe was not all perfectly holy with God at the helm in complete control. There has always existed in this universe, at least this universe that we know of, something “other” than God. And it was desolate – alive and dark.

Creator God paused to hover over this murkiness. He was not horrified but rather intrigued by this moving living chaotic wasteland and decided it was the perfect place to “create” a new world of his own. God is a creator – and we know that even now creatives are not intimidated with chaos - but are, intrigued, inspired and challenged by it. It's also known that those who have a lot of control will choose to play or enter into risk in some sideline project. Was earth a sideline project?

To begin the creative process, the first thing God had to do was take care of the waste. Here in my research I came across an article by a group of scientists. In an attempt to discredit God as Creator, they searched the heavens and reported that they couldn't find any evidence of this chaos in the universe so therefore the story and the Bible were not true.

In fun, I asked God what he had done with the chaos. Surprisingly the answer I received - was that he had just scooped it up and put it in the tree. Tree? Why a tree? More research.

Trees are terribly important and mentioned in the Bible more than any other living thing except for God and human beings. Trees symbolize true goodness: they harm no one, produce oxygen, provide shade and a home for many birds and animals. They decorate the earth.

From scripture we also know that it is only goodness that can defeat evil."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." If the tree is an extension of God's goodness, then it understandable that the tree was the only container strong enough to contain the chaos.

God then called this tree - the tree of good and evil - a tree holding the chaos of the waste and the harmony of the Creator. Actually it became a blend of the two - much like marriage because it says that they "knew" each other. "Knowing" is another word for intimacy in the Bible.

It was undoubtedly a spectacular tree with the energy of evil and goodness vibrating against each other probably erupting into a continuous spectacular display of fireworks.

With this tree at the center – the most beautiful tree in the garden - the Creator God continued to fashion the earth and eventually set Adam and Eve in the middle of the garden to manage it all.

Again, this is not a picture of a static powerful, God sitting idly on a gold throne – but one of a Creator – enjoying taking a chaotic mess and making it beautiful - and then continuing to perfect it, learning along the way. The first major learning/correction was to see that Adam was lonely and needed a companion. God became a surgeon performing the first operation in this new creation of his. God wasn't a 'know it all' he was 'an explorer!'

After the seven days of creating the earth, God declared it perfect and rested. Even this act of declaring something perfect and then resting hints at the hard work of a “learning process.” This is why we call him Creator God.

Goodness is the only investment that never fails. - Henry David Thoreau

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Complicit in the Crime

2/8/2023

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Just recently as I was recounting the story of the presence on the bed and our choice to forgive, an astute student of psychology asked, "And how were you able to pass through the emotional stage so quickly?"

She was referring to the research that has discovered that in order to climb the red stair case from the reptilian brain to the top floor of clarity of thought, the neocortex. one needs emotional stability and connection. Few of us have experienced the unconditional love and security from human relationships to make it through this level to the next steps which explains why as therapists our first challenge is to create a space of connection and safety (unconditional love) with out clients who are often caught in trauma. In order to move up the stairs we all need to feel love of others, safety, and trust in the process.

She also wondered what it was about the word "forgiveness" that would help us push through. Forgiveness has connotations of God. What does God have to do with trauma?

If you remember when I was about to join a support group of parents of murdered children, I was told to lose that offensive "forgiveness" word which I was willing to do because I did not think it appropriate that I impose my views about anything on anyone - especially on such a vulnerable group already targeted with unrealistic expectations.

So I was surprised when after joining this group, they themselves were obsessed with questions about God. Mainly how could a God who claims to be good and loving create a world of such crushing, obviously devastating evil as the murder of an innocent child?

These were not intellectual, social or even theological questions. These were basic survival questions. You have to realize that to a parent of a murdered child - the explanation that God is not evil but allows evil in this world - does not cut it. Any one who "allows" evil to happen is complicit in the crime. If God is truly all powerful and allows it to happen he is worse than the murderer - like the mother who allows the father to abuse the children is often hated even more than the father.

As one of the leaders of the support group, my role was to identify an issue and bring in an expert to address the topic. With the group's permission I brought in a theologian-type person who chose to lead us into a discussion on the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Harold Kushner, an international bestseller first published in 1981. I had not known about this book - and was delighted that it was well received by the group.

Kushner says, "God can not be thought to be at once omnipotent and perfectly good. If we say that he is omnipotent, that his sovereignty is complete, that all events that occur are willed by him; then it follows that he is responsible for the actual world, which is partly evil, and, accordingly, that he is not perfectly good. If we begin at the other end, and say God is perfectly good, then we must deny that he is omnipotent."

Kushner dares to introduce a limited God but good God. We wanted goodness!

If Kushner is right, it then the begs the question - how did such a powerful God who had the ability to create such an amazing world become limited by his goodness?

“When we reach the limits of our own strength, and courage, something unexpected happens. We find reinforcement coming from a source outside of ourselves. And in the knowledge that we are not alone, that God is on our side, we manage to go on.” Harold Kushner

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Delicious Times Ten

2/7/2023

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After ordering the presence off the bed with the forgiveness words, I thought I was immune to this reptile brain. I was free.

Then a friend came to visit a few months after Candace had been killed. We hadn't seen each other for a while, and she told me about a few of the things she had gone through as a spectator of our experience. She told me about her own questioning as to why this should happen to a friend, and I realized anew that our friends had gone through this with us. It was good to hear her anger, her perspective of the news coverage, and her theories about what might have happened.

Then she told me how she admired my forgiving spirit. “I know that you have forgiven. I sense no vengeance in you.”

I was grateful for her words. I thanked her for her confidence. “We're trying,” I said.

Her next question caught me off guard. “If you could let yourself go, what would satisfy justice for you? Would it be execution?”

I had never allowed myself the question. I didn't think I was ready to face the complexity of it. But I felt safe with her, and her question was an interesting one.

Perhaps it was time to think about it. I purposely loosened my controls and explored my inner feelings, my emotions. My friend waited in silence as I fell into deep thought.

“No,” I finally answered, half to her and half to myself. “No, it wouldn't be enough.” Execution, capital punishment, wouldn't completely satisfy me emotionally. If the offender were executed, he would be dying for something he did – he would deserve it.

I was shocked at my own answer.

Candace was innocent. She died young, in her prime, full of potential, full of anticipation, full of dreams – full of immediate plans for a good weekend. She would have contributed so much to our lives. Just to execute the offender would mean that he was being punished for what he had done. It would be removing a liability to society, a hopeless case.

I continued, “His death, one death, wouldn't satisfy me....” I went deeper into myself, groping for the feeling of equity. “Ten child murderers would have to die.” I paused, still groping for the satisfaction of justice.

It was almost as if another voice answered for me, “And I would have to pull the trigger myself.”

In my mind's eye, I saw ten hooded figures lined up against a brick wall. There was a gun in my hand and, immediately, I took advantage of the moment and aimed and pulled the trigger ten times. The figures fell one by one. They deserved to die.

The feeling was "delicious."

I've told this story a million times - and I always end it with the word "'delicious." And I have to admit I feel that "deliciousness" each time I say it.

"Delicious" is a body word... It is visceral.

Each time - after confessing and feeling the delicious, I have to climb the red stair case out of the reptilian grasp to the clarity on the top floor.

“I forgive,” I say again and again.

Seven times seventy times a day.

The purpose of art is to collide the intellectual and visceral together at the highest speed possible. - Penn Jillette

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Living Metaphors

2/6/2023

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Cliff called the presence on the bed reptilian: I called it a black dog. We both saw something and resorted to metaphors to describe it

A metaphor is a figure of speech that, for rhetorical effect, directly refers to one thing by mentioning another. It provides clarity or identifies hidden similarities between two different ideas.

For our purposes a metaphor has a keen way of magnetizing events in our lives in a helpful way Apparently the invisible process by which “things” come into being can have a transformative power, Using metaphor, combining simple language and very common-place images can bring new, unique insights.

That's why I found it so interesting to find out that the metaphor of the reptilian brain - it was almost poetic.

But there are many other metaphors that help our anxiety become more real. One woman said it felt like she was being harassed by an octopus with tentacles gripping her legs. There are others who have described it as a deranged gremlin or being held under the grip of the devil.

Some described it as walking down a dark and scary alley without knowing what is waiting for them or swimming in the ocean with no land in sight.

To others it has felt like being attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes – a death by a thousand stings. It has been described as a kind of black hole, like spiraling down a bottomless tunnel or being caught in a poisonous fog, an abyss, a dark canyon.
Winston Churchill referred to it as his, "black dog."

Another said, “It was like being caught on a windy desert dune desperately building sandcastle shelters only to feel them crumble moments later." or "being forced to memorize all of the conversations within a crowded restaurant."

Others have said that anxiety is like making a decision to eat raw horse brains or a rat’s guts, like being strapped to a chair while looking at an open door or like being randomly, brutally beaten at different points throughout the day but never knowing when the beating will occur.

In his book, People of the Lie: the Hope of Healing Human Evil, psychologist
Scott Peck describes how a patient became the metaphor when the reptilian look manifested itself. “The patient suddenly resembled a writhing snake of great strength, viciously attempting to bite the team members. More frightening than the writhing body, however, was the face. The eyes were hooded with lazy reptilian torpor—except when the reptile darted out in attack, at which moment the eyes would open wide with blazing hatred.”

Cliff had this ability to see this as well. After a conversation at church, he was visibly shaken. In the car, he said, "When you were talking to her - didn't you see how her face changed? She started to look like a snake, a reptile, her face changed...." Later on we realized that she had been traumatized.

We might not understand it - but the fear can feel very real. The trauma can manifest itself in different ways and using metaphors is one of the first steps in dealing with it.

"There is no such thing as paranoia. Your worst fears can come true at any moment." - Hunter S. Thompson

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Magical Potion

2/3/2023

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I stayed up late googling everything I could find about the reptilian brain. My motivation? I was still trying to understand that traumatic visit of the parent of a murdered child the night that Candace's body was found because after he had left, we had gone to our bedroom infected with his trauma and encountered a presence on our bed that Cliff described as reptilian.

I found the source. Paul MacLean introduced the concept of a triune brain in the 1960s. This model of brain structure and function is based on three specific regions of the human brain: the 1) basal ganglia, 2) the limbic system, and 3) the neocortex.

Each of these structures is thought to be responsible for a specific group of mental activities: 1) the fight-or-flight survival response and other primal activities, 2) emotions, and 3) rational thinking.

To make these more accessible to his lay audience, MacLean called these three brains: the reptilian brain, the mammal brain and the primate brain.

The reptile brain (brain stem) keeps our hearts beating, keeps us breathing and keeps us alive. It is in survival mode and is hardwired to feel a constant, vigilant anxiety. The mammal brain (limbic system) regulates our emotions and desires. Its main job is to move us toward the things that maintain life and connect with others. The primate brain (cortex) handles the higher cerebral functions—thinking, making mental maps of our world and finding the right words.

Apparently when we are in a state of panic, fight, flight or freeze mode, the blood rushes to the bottom reptilian brain to support this panic and thereby dismisses the clarity of the rational brain which is why it is suggested that in the heat of an argument, we take a break to let the blood flow to the place of clarity. We just can’t negotiate and think clearly when we are in survival mode.

Our reptilian brain is nothing to sneeze at – undealt with it can create debilitating trauma and we remain in fight, flight, freeze or frenzy mode for all of our lives.

All the psychological literature suggests that it is extremely difficult to move up from the reptilian brain to the rational thinking neocortex brain.

I have dubbed this climb from the reptilian to the cerebral as the "Red Stair Case." It is the most important stair case in our lives!

After learning all of this I wondered about that night when after seeing the presence on our bed, both Cliff and I said, "We will forgive," and the presence moved off the bed, and we were able to discuss the next day, plan for it and fall asleep. How were we able to move up so quickly from our reptilian brain to our thinking brain? And because it was so visibly powerful that first night - we continued to use it almost like a miracle potion for every trauma infected situation thereafter with more or less the same results.

What is it in the forgiveness process that makes it that powerful? And if forgiveness is that powerful - why are we not paying more attention to it in our trauma literature?

Which just leads us to a whole different set of questions? Why did those words have the power to change things for Cliff and myself when others who say the same thing don't experience the same healing? What did those words mean to us? And did we know what they meant? And here it becomes just complicated - but worth exploring. What does this all mean? And how can we learn from it?

“The summit is what drives us, but the climb itself is what matters.” —Conrad Anker