Shutting down
My Winnipeg friend sensed I was shutting down. When I admitted that I was having trouble expressing myself - finding words, she said. “Maybe you should blog about it. In the past when you faced enormous challenges you defeated them by exposing them – and we all benefited from your honesty.”
I stiffened. “What do you mean you benefitted?”
She smiled. “When you found yourself filled with rage, you told us that you wanted to kill ten child murderers – and then you went so far as to tell us that pulling the trigger felt delicious – like eating chocolate cake. We need that kind of honesty.”
I ponder her words. I know– I have used my blogging to process my life. It seems I can’t move on until I’ve put my truth into words – whatever truth it is. Some truths are beautiful – some are lovely – some are a bit scary.
Then today I met with another friend at Mulligans here in Winkler. Her husband has Parkinson’s disease and I find her experience with Parkinson's invaluable. We started talking—she asks me how I am doing —and something in me cracked open.
And I cried. I cried and I cried some more,
Not polite tears. Not composed tears. These tears flowed out of me like snowmelt in spring—cold, clear, ancient. They bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me.
My Winnipeg friend might be right. I am in not in control - I am either shutting down or bubbling out of control.
But should I blog about this? I know I used to blog when we were going through the court trials – it was a way of keeping my family and supporting friends informed. But this is somehow different.
This is cellular. This is my own body shifting beneath me. This is pure body trauma.
And I’m not ready for this. thing... I’m not ready for tremors and timelines and the way people’s eyes shift when they hear the name of my illness.
And yet--the tears tell me something.
Silence is no longer protection. Silence is pressure.
Maybe it’s time to talk about my truth – my dreadful truth.
I'm going to blog. That means I'm just going to say whatever comes to mind - post 5 days a week - and see what I come up with. But this time I'm going to also publish one of Cliff's "Still Life" photographs - he took so many and they will add beauty to this journey I am on - and we will need as much beauty as we can get.
No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”― Robert Frost
I stiffened. “What do you mean you benefitted?”
She smiled. “When you found yourself filled with rage, you told us that you wanted to kill ten child murderers – and then you went so far as to tell us that pulling the trigger felt delicious – like eating chocolate cake. We need that kind of honesty.”
I ponder her words. I know– I have used my blogging to process my life. It seems I can’t move on until I’ve put my truth into words – whatever truth it is. Some truths are beautiful – some are lovely – some are a bit scary.
Then today I met with another friend at Mulligans here in Winkler. Her husband has Parkinson’s disease and I find her experience with Parkinson's invaluable. We started talking—she asks me how I am doing —and something in me cracked open.
And I cried. I cried and I cried some more,
Not polite tears. Not composed tears. These tears flowed out of me like snowmelt in spring—cold, clear, ancient. They bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me.
My Winnipeg friend might be right. I am in not in control - I am either shutting down or bubbling out of control.
But should I blog about this? I know I used to blog when we were going through the court trials – it was a way of keeping my family and supporting friends informed. But this is somehow different.
This is cellular. This is my own body shifting beneath me. This is pure body trauma.
And I’m not ready for this. thing... I’m not ready for tremors and timelines and the way people’s eyes shift when they hear the name of my illness.
And yet--the tears tell me something.
Silence is no longer protection. Silence is pressure.
Maybe it’s time to talk about my truth – my dreadful truth.
I'm going to blog. That means I'm just going to say whatever comes to mind - post 5 days a week - and see what I come up with. But this time I'm going to also publish one of Cliff's "Still Life" photographs - he took so many and they will add beauty to this journey I am on - and we will need as much beauty as we can get.
No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”― Robert Frost
Photo by: Cliff Derksen
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