“I think we should call the grandchildren and tell them not to come….” he said.
All my alarm bells went off. We often have the grandchildren over for a Saturday afternoon clay party and Cliff loves to teach them how to make fish, dinosaurs, and anything else their little heart’s desire.
“You email them,” I said and then watched him struggle to disappoint his grandchildren. This was for real. He really was sick. You have to remember in all of this, we are creatives and we tend to ignore our body. Cliff always wants to be strong, and I usually want to ignore - dismiss.
But something had changed around Christmas time; Cliff had become lethargic – just a little less enthusiastic about life. He didn’t seem keen on starting his art classes in the new year and blamed it on COVID – a legitimate excuse. I just wondered if he was just aging. We are getting older….
Then about two weeks ago he suffered severe constipation, so frustrated he actually went to a ‘walk in” clinic. He came home with the doctor’s advice to drink more water and to use RestoraLax,. I had suspected he wasn’t drinking enough….
Cliff has had kidney failure before so needs to consciously drink water which he forgets about. I remember one time coming home after a work weekend and he was just trembling. My first inclination was to call an ambulance or take him to emergency and then remembering his kidney failure. I paused to ask him what he had been eating and drinking while I was gone. “Coffee” he said. Alarms went off so I actually had him sit up on the side of the bed and drink bottle after bottle of water. He calmed right down and slept soundly. So now for a doctor to recommend more water made so much sense to me.
Drinking water and the laxatives, over the next while helped with the constipation but he was still obviously in some mild distress. It baffled both of us. I asked him over and over again if he was in pain – and he said he wasn’t.
But it all took on a new level of severity when he said “no” to his grandchildren.
It also baffled Natasha, our daughter-in-law, she sensed something. She started texting. Then Syras came on the phone. “What’s with you guys?”
We waffled. It was Saturday…our “walk in” was closed. Should we wait for Monday to see a doctor? “No go to a clinic now… the one on Bison has great doctors,” the two of them insisted.
So we went…. I think it was around 3:00 in the afternoon - dragging our feet.
The doctor was elderly, to the point and professional. After a few questions, he asked Cliff to get on the examination table. He felt Cliff’s swollen abdomen and started to knead it softly. Cliff yelped.
We left the clinic with a report and curt instructions to go to the Urgent Care at Victoria Hospital.
I expected to wait with Cliff in the waiting room, but apparently that isn’t allowed anymore so I drove home.
We texted back and forth. He went through it all in short order - blood work, Xray – CT scan….. CT can?!
That’s when a new set of alarm bells went off for me. Three years ago, when Cliff suffered stones in his bladder, it took a year to get any real attention. Now in one day he gets all those tests? Where is the waiting list?
Then Cliff calls again…. “They are sending me to St. Boniface for more tests…..” His phone is dying he tells me. Then he adds. “They just told me that I have gallbladder cancer.” There it was the “C” word – so quickly - so stark and so ungiving!
Then he adds that apparently, his cancer is in the gall bladder, some on the intestine and some on the liver. His phone is dying.
Apparently gall bladder cancer is the worst kind because it is a silent cancer and no one can know it’s there until it infects other places. It is also very dangerous to remove because if they touch any other parts of his body in the process, it will sill spread from those places.
It was 6:52 in the evening. I texted the children to let them know what was happening. Odia immediate organized a facetime family conference. They were comforting and wonderful. Then Odia in her practical ways, said, “Mom bring him some supplies. Just drop it off at the reception desk – and they’ll make sure he gets it.” – and she e-mailed me a list. Most important a cellphone charger cord!
I drove over to the hospital and brought him everything she listed.
He was actually moved to St. Boniface Hospital cancer ward at 1:00 Sunday morning and then at 6:00 in the morning, he was visited by the assessment team.
We talked first thing in the morning and Cliff told me that Dr. White wanted to see me for a consultation meeting. I’m sure she’s very nice, but she is the last person I want to see.
It’s Sunday morning, Larry and Odia are pastors at the Cornerstone Vineyard Church in Winkler. Syras & Natasha are pastors of Maple crest Church in Winnipeg. Thank goodness Larry isn’t slated to preach but Syras is preaching that morning.
My children ask – ever so softly …. “Do we go public and tell our congregations that Cliff has cancer?” They are public persona's. They need to be open. Can we ask them to carry this kind of secret, masking their own grief? That isn't healthy.
Our inclination is to hide – when things aren’t going well.
I cry – and cry – and want to just wallow in my fears and instant sadness.
It’s a hard question – really hard. Isn’t our public life over? I wonder. Here we were just beginning to enjoy our privacy again. I don’t mind going public for a good cause like the Vitim Assistance Community Grants program…
But for cancer? It’s too soon. Much too soon. We haven’t even had 12 hours – and what if it isn’t true? Notice the denial trying to creep in.
Our children prod us ever so gently reminding us that they really are in the business of prayer – suffering – and all of that. “We can ask for prayer. They will want to pray for you.”
Yes, there is that! We are social creatures! We need to put out our hands and touch the other…. We can’t do life alone!
Those simple words, “I will pray for you” is just that. Prayer might open the Heavens – there is always that hope - but mainly it serves to nourish each other, It is a quick short hand note that says, “I want the best for you. I care for you.”
I ask Cliff – he says yes.
Well - that’s a bit like opening the flood gates. Who is our public? If we just tell the church – what about our out-of-town extended family?
I wrote to our sibling.
And then I thought of my friends and family on face book.
So I wrote it down and just declared my heart
On Facebook I wrote, “There is world trauma and we have had a lot of that lately starting with the trump trauma, then the Covid trauma and now the Ukraine trauma, but none of that compares to the trauma of having your husband moved to the cancer ward at St. B. The world kind of just stops revolving for a bit. Suddenly everything is out of focus replaced with startling clarity as we talk to each other, talk to family and talk to our God. Suddenly I love those simple words... "I'm praying for you." Wow do they become important....”
Cliff calls me and tells me that he is now moving from admission to getting settled into a room with a view. The children decide that they want to come over and spend Sunday at our house… I sense the “role reversal” beginning to happen - fascinating and delightful.
I decide not to go to church and start cleaning the house for our afternoon guests, when Cliff and I talk again and start to plan the day.
I mention to Cliff that I will wait and come with the children.
He says, “I want you to come alone before the kids come. I want to talk to you personally. Dr. White said something that you need to know.”
Oh yuck. My heart sinks even further. I know its not going to be good news.
I get ready but I can’t drive. The car is covered with snow, hasn’t been plugged in, the driveway isn’t shovelled, the roads are treacherous, the snow banks intimidating, it’s really cold out and I don’t know about the hospital parking.
So I just call a taxi – I indulge.
I find his room… the view is nothing but a brick wall but it is a view. He looks good except for the drip tubes and such.
I want to know. And then he whispers to me –“I have 10 months to live!
There are different options he tells me vaguely. He doesn’t know the specifics, but in short there seems to be three choices, live a short life with no treatment or live longer and suffer through the cancer treatment.
What dreadful choices?
My first response is envy! I tell him bluntly, “You can’t leave first, then I have to deal with the house, the downsizing etc.” He laughs. I thought I was safe, his father died when he as 94 and Cliff is physically very much like his father. I thought it was guaranteed… we smile through our tears.
I go home by taxi. The children come for the afternoon, and we have our three beautiful grand children watch a movie downstairs as we have our ‘adult talk’
The conversation is astonishing as we process it all – openly – crying and laughing…
Then the three of us go off to see Cliff and Odia and Syras meet with him separately - only one visitor allowed at a time.
And each of them has a long chat --- a real long one. I have no idea what they are talking about but I notice at the end of our visit – we are all at peace.
We return to the house and have a quick pizza before they all go home and I am left alone! I have a moment. I need a movie to escape so I watch “Blackbird.” Starring Susan Sarandon a movie I had starring to watch, not really knowing what it was about. I’m into it before I realize it is all about M.A.I.D - it’s all about death and I want to turn it off a thousand times but I am glued to the TV. I am now fascinated with death.
I can’t believe myself!
Cliff and I talk before going to sleep – whispering to each other debriefing the day. I look at my calendar. My Monday is loaded with clients from 12:30 to 9:00 at night. He is facing a biopsy in the morning and more tests. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to see each other – it’s a day of clearing the slate.
The next day I am busy with calls in the morning and I look outside and see that the car is still covered with snow – I call a taxi. I'm getting soft.
I wonder if I will be able to be present for my eight clients. I know from the past one can “shelve trauma” one can disassociate in a healthy way for a bit of time. I enjoy my work – and the day just slips away easily as I apply myself to the stories I am hearing and see remarkable movement. My work is so fulfilling! And then I sit down and write out all my reports. I call a taxi – I come home. It is 12:00 midnight.
Cliff and I have our “end of day” chat. He’s doing okay. He had the blockage in his bowel removed, and the scheduled biopsy. We have been texting throughout the day – we are making plans.
And then its Tuesday…we meet with Dr. White and Dr. Reimer.
Cancer is at Stage 4 – advanced - adenocarcinoma. Surgery is not recommended. Prognosis, with chemo – 9 to 10 months, without under 6 months. They would not commit on the quality of life for either.
Then we take a taxi home together – and we are feeling wonderful to be together again. We’re clearing our day books – we are just going to wander down this new path together.
And we’re doing it with friends and family. Thank you so much for your care.
All my alarm bells went off. We often have the grandchildren over for a Saturday afternoon clay party and Cliff loves to teach them how to make fish, dinosaurs, and anything else their little heart’s desire.
“You email them,” I said and then watched him struggle to disappoint his grandchildren. This was for real. He really was sick. You have to remember in all of this, we are creatives and we tend to ignore our body. Cliff always wants to be strong, and I usually want to ignore - dismiss.
But something had changed around Christmas time; Cliff had become lethargic – just a little less enthusiastic about life. He didn’t seem keen on starting his art classes in the new year and blamed it on COVID – a legitimate excuse. I just wondered if he was just aging. We are getting older….
Then about two weeks ago he suffered severe constipation, so frustrated he actually went to a ‘walk in” clinic. He came home with the doctor’s advice to drink more water and to use RestoraLax,. I had suspected he wasn’t drinking enough….
Cliff has had kidney failure before so needs to consciously drink water which he forgets about. I remember one time coming home after a work weekend and he was just trembling. My first inclination was to call an ambulance or take him to emergency and then remembering his kidney failure. I paused to ask him what he had been eating and drinking while I was gone. “Coffee” he said. Alarms went off so I actually had him sit up on the side of the bed and drink bottle after bottle of water. He calmed right down and slept soundly. So now for a doctor to recommend more water made so much sense to me.
Drinking water and the laxatives, over the next while helped with the constipation but he was still obviously in some mild distress. It baffled both of us. I asked him over and over again if he was in pain – and he said he wasn’t.
But it all took on a new level of severity when he said “no” to his grandchildren.
It also baffled Natasha, our daughter-in-law, she sensed something. She started texting. Then Syras came on the phone. “What’s with you guys?”
We waffled. It was Saturday…our “walk in” was closed. Should we wait for Monday to see a doctor? “No go to a clinic now… the one on Bison has great doctors,” the two of them insisted.
So we went…. I think it was around 3:00 in the afternoon - dragging our feet.
The doctor was elderly, to the point and professional. After a few questions, he asked Cliff to get on the examination table. He felt Cliff’s swollen abdomen and started to knead it softly. Cliff yelped.
We left the clinic with a report and curt instructions to go to the Urgent Care at Victoria Hospital.
I expected to wait with Cliff in the waiting room, but apparently that isn’t allowed anymore so I drove home.
We texted back and forth. He went through it all in short order - blood work, Xray – CT scan….. CT can?!
That’s when a new set of alarm bells went off for me. Three years ago, when Cliff suffered stones in his bladder, it took a year to get any real attention. Now in one day he gets all those tests? Where is the waiting list?
Then Cliff calls again…. “They are sending me to St. Boniface for more tests…..” His phone is dying he tells me. Then he adds. “They just told me that I have gallbladder cancer.” There it was the “C” word – so quickly - so stark and so ungiving!
Then he adds that apparently, his cancer is in the gall bladder, some on the intestine and some on the liver. His phone is dying.
Apparently gall bladder cancer is the worst kind because it is a silent cancer and no one can know it’s there until it infects other places. It is also very dangerous to remove because if they touch any other parts of his body in the process, it will sill spread from those places.
It was 6:52 in the evening. I texted the children to let them know what was happening. Odia immediate organized a facetime family conference. They were comforting and wonderful. Then Odia in her practical ways, said, “Mom bring him some supplies. Just drop it off at the reception desk – and they’ll make sure he gets it.” – and she e-mailed me a list. Most important a cellphone charger cord!
I drove over to the hospital and brought him everything she listed.
He was actually moved to St. Boniface Hospital cancer ward at 1:00 Sunday morning and then at 6:00 in the morning, he was visited by the assessment team.
We talked first thing in the morning and Cliff told me that Dr. White wanted to see me for a consultation meeting. I’m sure she’s very nice, but she is the last person I want to see.
It’s Sunday morning, Larry and Odia are pastors at the Cornerstone Vineyard Church in Winkler. Syras & Natasha are pastors of Maple crest Church in Winnipeg. Thank goodness Larry isn’t slated to preach but Syras is preaching that morning.
My children ask – ever so softly …. “Do we go public and tell our congregations that Cliff has cancer?” They are public persona's. They need to be open. Can we ask them to carry this kind of secret, masking their own grief? That isn't healthy.
Our inclination is to hide – when things aren’t going well.
I cry – and cry – and want to just wallow in my fears and instant sadness.
It’s a hard question – really hard. Isn’t our public life over? I wonder. Here we were just beginning to enjoy our privacy again. I don’t mind going public for a good cause like the Vitim Assistance Community Grants program…
But for cancer? It’s too soon. Much too soon. We haven’t even had 12 hours – and what if it isn’t true? Notice the denial trying to creep in.
Our children prod us ever so gently reminding us that they really are in the business of prayer – suffering – and all of that. “We can ask for prayer. They will want to pray for you.”
Yes, there is that! We are social creatures! We need to put out our hands and touch the other…. We can’t do life alone!
Those simple words, “I will pray for you” is just that. Prayer might open the Heavens – there is always that hope - but mainly it serves to nourish each other, It is a quick short hand note that says, “I want the best for you. I care for you.”
I ask Cliff – he says yes.
Well - that’s a bit like opening the flood gates. Who is our public? If we just tell the church – what about our out-of-town extended family?
I wrote to our sibling.
And then I thought of my friends and family on face book.
So I wrote it down and just declared my heart
On Facebook I wrote, “There is world trauma and we have had a lot of that lately starting with the trump trauma, then the Covid trauma and now the Ukraine trauma, but none of that compares to the trauma of having your husband moved to the cancer ward at St. B. The world kind of just stops revolving for a bit. Suddenly everything is out of focus replaced with startling clarity as we talk to each other, talk to family and talk to our God. Suddenly I love those simple words... "I'm praying for you." Wow do they become important....”
Cliff calls me and tells me that he is now moving from admission to getting settled into a room with a view. The children decide that they want to come over and spend Sunday at our house… I sense the “role reversal” beginning to happen - fascinating and delightful.
I decide not to go to church and start cleaning the house for our afternoon guests, when Cliff and I talk again and start to plan the day.
I mention to Cliff that I will wait and come with the children.
He says, “I want you to come alone before the kids come. I want to talk to you personally. Dr. White said something that you need to know.”
Oh yuck. My heart sinks even further. I know its not going to be good news.
I get ready but I can’t drive. The car is covered with snow, hasn’t been plugged in, the driveway isn’t shovelled, the roads are treacherous, the snow banks intimidating, it’s really cold out and I don’t know about the hospital parking.
So I just call a taxi – I indulge.
I find his room… the view is nothing but a brick wall but it is a view. He looks good except for the drip tubes and such.
I want to know. And then he whispers to me –“I have 10 months to live!
There are different options he tells me vaguely. He doesn’t know the specifics, but in short there seems to be three choices, live a short life with no treatment or live longer and suffer through the cancer treatment.
What dreadful choices?
My first response is envy! I tell him bluntly, “You can’t leave first, then I have to deal with the house, the downsizing etc.” He laughs. I thought I was safe, his father died when he as 94 and Cliff is physically very much like his father. I thought it was guaranteed… we smile through our tears.
I go home by taxi. The children come for the afternoon, and we have our three beautiful grand children watch a movie downstairs as we have our ‘adult talk’
The conversation is astonishing as we process it all – openly – crying and laughing…
Then the three of us go off to see Cliff and Odia and Syras meet with him separately - only one visitor allowed at a time.
And each of them has a long chat --- a real long one. I have no idea what they are talking about but I notice at the end of our visit – we are all at peace.
We return to the house and have a quick pizza before they all go home and I am left alone! I have a moment. I need a movie to escape so I watch “Blackbird.” Starring Susan Sarandon a movie I had starring to watch, not really knowing what it was about. I’m into it before I realize it is all about M.A.I.D - it’s all about death and I want to turn it off a thousand times but I am glued to the TV. I am now fascinated with death.
I can’t believe myself!
Cliff and I talk before going to sleep – whispering to each other debriefing the day. I look at my calendar. My Monday is loaded with clients from 12:30 to 9:00 at night. He is facing a biopsy in the morning and more tests. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to see each other – it’s a day of clearing the slate.
The next day I am busy with calls in the morning and I look outside and see that the car is still covered with snow – I call a taxi. I'm getting soft.
I wonder if I will be able to be present for my eight clients. I know from the past one can “shelve trauma” one can disassociate in a healthy way for a bit of time. I enjoy my work – and the day just slips away easily as I apply myself to the stories I am hearing and see remarkable movement. My work is so fulfilling! And then I sit down and write out all my reports. I call a taxi – I come home. It is 12:00 midnight.
Cliff and I have our “end of day” chat. He’s doing okay. He had the blockage in his bowel removed, and the scheduled biopsy. We have been texting throughout the day – we are making plans.
And then its Tuesday…we meet with Dr. White and Dr. Reimer.
Cancer is at Stage 4 – advanced - adenocarcinoma. Surgery is not recommended. Prognosis, with chemo – 9 to 10 months, without under 6 months. They would not commit on the quality of life for either.
Then we take a taxi home together – and we are feeling wonderful to be together again. We’re clearing our day books – we are just going to wander down this new path together.
And we’re doing it with friends and family. Thank you so much for your care.
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