I have to leave the courtroom early.
My timing is off. During the other trial by jury, times were predictable. We started at 10:00 in the morning, had a break every hour, 2 hour lunch and done by 4:00. Now without the jury to consider the scheduling is unpredictable and I had set up my appointment for 5:00. It is all new. It took me an hour to get to the courtroom this morning because I am now having to navigate rush hour.
I have no idea how long it will take me now to get to my office. Traffic is now a new trauma.
I am slightly upset that I have to leave early. Up till now - all the TV courtroom drama happens the last thirty minutes.
But I am not upset for long -- I am far too happy.
First of all I am leaving Sue in the courtroom to be my eyes and ears - and she never missing anything. She takes amazingly meticulous notes and pays attention to the same things I do. I realize as I leave how extremely fortunate I am to have a friend like her. She has been at every thing, prelim, trial, appeal, Supreme Court of Canada in Ottawa and now. She is the one who helped me write the book on the last trial that is an invaluable guide through this trial. I realize again how fortunate I am to have such a friend....
I get to my office far too early - and I realize as I get ready for my first appointment - that I am far too happy to be going through the trial of the murder of my daughter. What is wrong with me?
I check my cell phone - and then I know. They are flooded with tiny messages from friends and strangers giving me words of encouragement and prayer.
There is even a message from a youngish man who I bumped into on the street - we found ourselves in line at the security. He looked as if he was crying - but it was only the wind he told me. Then we kept bumping into each other down the hall, in that slow motion elevator - until we had to kind of acknowledge each other. We are not stalking each other - we are merely going to the same courtroom.
He now sends a message -
" Hi Wilma, I'm the guy that walked into the Law courts with you this morning. The guy whose eyes were "crying". I just wanted to say that no matter how this trial turns out, that I will never forget about Candace Derksen. I grew up in North Kildonan and was a couple years younger than Candace. I never knew her, but over the years started to feel like I did. I have followed this case for as long as I can remember, and for reasons I can't explain feel like I have a connection to it. Anyway, I attend when I can for support, and hope to be there when justice is served. "
There are many messages from strangers wanting to connect. There are good, long-term friends checking in - so many I am not able to keep up and answer them all. I just want to write a sweeping letter of gratitude to all but all the messages are coming in through different channels. I never know where and when they will show up.
But I am consuming the words, thoughts and prayers! I am living on them, in fact - I am floating on them.
Words work for me!
When I get home, the first thing I do is look for Sue's email. She writes it was only more of the same till the end of day. She describes enough of it for me to get the feel of it.
We are in a bit of chaos right now in the procedures. We are in new territory. We are in and out of voir dires, almost like a game of hide and seek. The judge even asks.... "With this question are we in or are we out?"
The voir dires are about truth.
In other words - are we allowed to "speak the truth?" Or are are we in the trial proper? Does that mean a place of untruth. I don't know .... It is a kind of game.
The dates and numbers are still floating in a kind of sea of dyslexia - and everyone seems to be infected.
We are into DNA - following the chain of evidence that is also in and out of the line of vision.
But again I am amazed at the meticulous care those first investigators took to follow the rules....
I feel gratitude -- I am floating.
I am carried.
I am staying in this moment as long as I can.
“Wrapped in the deep fragrance of the forest, I listen to the flapping of the birds' wings, to the stirring of the ferns. I'm freed from gravity and float up--just a little--from the ground and drift in the air. Of course I can't stay there forever. It's just a momentary sensation--open my eyes and it's gone. Still, it's an overwhelming experience. Being able to float in the air.” Haruki Murakami