To see our daughter’s name in yesterday’s headline--“Mark Grant, acquitted in killing of Candace Derksen, 1984 killing of Winnipeg teen, sentenced 10 years for sexual assault in Vancouver”—was a shock.
And yet, in another way, it served as a powerful reminder that Cliff and I chose the right word forty years ago. On the night Candace’s body was found, we were warned about this... this bond that can develop between a victim and an offender—a bond forged through trauma, anger, fear, and the relentless need to understand what happened. I remember how deliberately we chose to "forgive." This choice had very little to do with the murderer. It was an immediate response to what we knew we could not and would not be trapped in - a victim-offender trauma bond.
My immediate response to yesterday’s news was to talk to my friends Everyone I know seemed to respond with the same deep sigh of relief: - at least, for the next while he will not be free to sexually abuse another person. But there was also a sadness that he didn't change - he did not learn. Here, he was given a second chance and he just threw it away.
For me, the news was timely. I am currently completing Candace’s biography, a project that is taking much longer than I ever expected. I've done so many drafts I've lost count. Apparently, It is hard enough to make sense of one’s own life, it is much harder with the life of someone who lived only thirteen years—and yet made such an impact that her name still appears in the headlines forty years later.
My working title for this last draft is ... A Compelling Love:.... the Story of Candace. This title finally feels right - Candace was all about love. Another question - is this the ending her story was waiting for?
On a personal note, I am also discovering that the limitations caused by my health, have become a writer’s dream.
I have just begun an allegory about forgiveness, inspired by The Pilgrim’s Progress. That's just fun thinking about,,,.
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. - Abraham Lincoln
And yet, in another way, it served as a powerful reminder that Cliff and I chose the right word forty years ago. On the night Candace’s body was found, we were warned about this... this bond that can develop between a victim and an offender—a bond forged through trauma, anger, fear, and the relentless need to understand what happened. I remember how deliberately we chose to "forgive." This choice had very little to do with the murderer. It was an immediate response to what we knew we could not and would not be trapped in - a victim-offender trauma bond.
My immediate response to yesterday’s news was to talk to my friends Everyone I know seemed to respond with the same deep sigh of relief: - at least, for the next while he will not be free to sexually abuse another person. But there was also a sadness that he didn't change - he did not learn. Here, he was given a second chance and he just threw it away.
For me, the news was timely. I am currently completing Candace’s biography, a project that is taking much longer than I ever expected. I've done so many drafts I've lost count. Apparently, It is hard enough to make sense of one’s own life, it is much harder with the life of someone who lived only thirteen years—and yet made such an impact that her name still appears in the headlines forty years later.
My working title for this last draft is ... A Compelling Love:.... the Story of Candace. This title finally feels right - Candace was all about love. Another question - is this the ending her story was waiting for?
On a personal note, I am also discovering that the limitations caused by my health, have become a writer’s dream.
I have just begun an allegory about forgiveness, inspired by The Pilgrim’s Progress. That's just fun thinking about,,,.
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. - Abraham Lincoln
On days like this - when I remember how we chose "forgiveness" together - I miss Cliff terribly.
RSS Feed
