Wilma Derksen
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Third Floor - learning

3/25/2023

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I glance outside. I see the sun reflecting off of the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. I remember climbing to the top of the Museum - experiencing that glass finger pointing upward, a dramatic symbol of hope.
 
It’s a elegant mountain encased in glass. 

 
Perfect.

If I had 100 billion dollars, I’d borrow me some of the design ideas from the Museum and build me a Healing Forgiveness Centre close to the Winnipeg airport on the way to Stony Mountain.


Here, I'm going to dream a bit. What would an ideal Forgiveness/Healing Centre look like? We have already designed the first and the second floor....

The third floor is about healing the traumatized brain - to address the needs of the six functions of the mind - attention, human intelligence, problem solving, language, memory and executive function.  

The elevator door of the third floor opens to a dancing Elf - a person dressed in costume -- smiling innocently as he gestures a gracious welcome.

Humor is extremally important to healing the entire person and it starts with the largest part of the brain. According to researchers, the frontal lobe is the first region of the brain to jump into action when processing humorous content.


So the frontal lobe serves as the gatekeeper -the of humorist - determining whether we will get the joke or not. Then, it passes that information along to other related social areas of the brain. On this floor we want to engage the frontal lobe. It is a must! Unexpectedly this floor would be characterized by the laughter, the giggle, the smiles of a mind being released into the "ah ha" moments of life.

The dancing Elf leads everyone to a games room complete with every puzzle there is.... This helps to focus the scattered brain. There are other game tables hosted by the gentlest of souls to help the astute gamer as well as to detect the insecure gamer - guiding them into less challenging games. There is always a sports team worth watching - anything to help focus the mind. 

Once  the mind is calm -  the Elf disappears and a tiny costumed professor with a wry sense of humor and squeaky voice takes over as a tour guide.

He opens the doors to a lecture hall featuring a series on every subject a traumatized unforgiving brain would want to access. Everyone would have a choice to sit alone in a booth and have  a personal presentation or join the general audience in a mini lecture theatre or classroom type setting. Everyone would also have choices as to Ted TX talks, podcasts and documentaries  on  every aspect of forgiveness. All of these talks would be hosted by therapists skilled in cognitive therapy to guide the discussions and to help rewire the brain.

Knowing that we have a 80 to 20 negativity bias that is amplified when we encounter an injustice in our own lives - all input from this point on is geared to enhance the positive.

If the lecture style gets too tedious or too heavy there is always a  choice of comedy shows, live performances gently poking fun at the brain. These performances would capture the role of the six functions of the brain, clarify them and teach how to manage them. 

Steeped in fresh learnings, the guests would then enter into the justice arena the difficult problem solving  arena that would resemble a court room.

There would be two parts to this justice-making process. First the case would need to be defined in legalities. There would be a crash course on Journalism and the 5W's (who?where? when? what? why?)

​This would include some basic skills in coping with the media and public relations. What is justice personally and
publicly? This would inevitably lead to a serious discussion of whether there is true justice and how do we forgive the systems that will fail us?

Then a Judge  garbed in a clownish black robe with gavel in hand would act as a consult to creating healthy boundaries - teaching how to navigate with the mind serious justice issues about safety and prevention. Rather than giving the floor to the reptilian brain,  which has been laid to rest on the second floor, this Judge would speak to soft boundaries,  generous discipline, affirmative action and the ability to say no with no trace of rejection only grace and care. Everyone would have a chance to bring their personalized problem to be discussed, debated and creatively solved. 

Because there is no such thing as a "satisfying justice" outcome, this would be followed by a rather dramatic crash course on an "alternative social justice" by getting on a secret elevator to an underground tram to be whisked downtown to a "hands on" soup kitchen. There would be a disguise costume for all volunteers so they would look like they too belong in a homeless center - as they serve soup.

Studies show that a simple act of charity to an unknown stranger can release healing endorphins. (This homeless shelter would be designed similarly to the one I stayed at in Washington D.C.  I've toured a few and this one was by far the best - it was safe, huge, spacious, clean and welcoming.)

After returning, everyone would be seated at an oval desk to begin to journal their lives under the guidance of a life-writer encouraging them to manage their traumatized dysfunctional minds  by answering simple questions about their life story - putting into context the incidents that need forgiving.  

Then there would be another set of rooms for those who need help with organization,  complete with coaches to help create new management styles.

For those  who are inclined to hoard - imprisoned with their stuff and who are dealing with complicated memories - there would be an opportunity to memorialize ones life, either through pictures, quilts,  or memorabilia either using scrapbooks or computerized ways and means. This would be guided by those who can skillfully undo those deep knots of emotional attachments.

There would be a library staffed with costumed librarians with huge painted smiles on their faces and '"Shh" imprinted on everything for those who need to have a "hands on" feeling when they research. This would also be a place to store all the books written by previous guests who learn to forgive by writing their stories.

The walls of the entire third floor would decorated with electronic screens featuring "one liners"  pun jokes to keep everyone smiling. There would be scripted inspirational mind teasers as well. Just a walk through all the rooms decorated with words would be healing.

The absolute climax of it all would be mezzanine floor with a revolving theatre featuring the best "Broadway Show" ever! This show would feature Cliff's story that touches on every trauma possible.

Hidden in the storyline would be the telling of the 15  sculptures and the 15 crippling issues that one faces in the unforgiveable murder of a child - all acted out in a way  that would be both entertaining and enlightening.  

It would be the best dramatic production ever - with great music - story tension - character development - leaving the audience on their feet - transfigured by awe and inspired to move through forgiveness to the pure beauty of a mind set free. 

​There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck 


 ​
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Laughter

3/24/2023

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In this blog I have now covered the three quadrants - body. heart and mind. I've shared moments when we were faced with the question - do I wallow or do I forgive? It wasn't always pretty, but both Cliff and I always reminded ourselves to forgive.

The next question - How did we know if we had forgiven?


In our bodies, it shows up in our breathing. If we are panicking, full of fear and unforgiveness -  ready to fight, freeze or panic -  we found ourselves short of breath - shallow breathing.  To forgive is to breathe deeply and enjoy the breath of life. 

In our hearts if we s unforgiving, we found ourselves withdrawing, isolated and lonely. We were  shut down emotionally. To forgive is to love generously. 

In our minds, if we are unforgiving our minds cycle, tunnel and resist anything new. To forgive allows us to be objective and objectivity allows laughter.

Laughter can come at the oddest time. The day of Candace's funeral, they played her song "Friends are Friends Forever" and we just dissolved into tears. After the funeral, we went back to our house with some friends and cried some more. But then at the end of the evening one of our friends started to describe how they wanted to go to bed to sleep but they had purchased a water bed - so popular at that time. She described sleeping - tossing and turning on a sea of water creating her own storm on the high seas. We began to laugh and laugh. It was fun to laugh.


I glanced over and saw someone scowling in the corner and I knew he disapproved. Later on we found out that he told everyone that we didn’t care.

At the trials, which really challenged us mentally, I mostly remember the laughter. We weren't crying during our lunch breaks - we were laughing and giggling. Life - at its most intense moments needs to be handled with the joy of a good laugh.

I think this became very clear to Cliff and I as we were getting older. Even when he was dying of cancer, we would laugh together. "We've had quite a ride," we said as we remembered our desperate lows  and our crazy highs. "What a roller coaster ride!" And then we'd giggle. Cliff loved to chuckle at it all. 

Whether we were laughing or crying didn't  really matter as long as we were engaging with it  - embracing it and "letting it go."

I
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― George Bernard Shaw
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33 Candles - Executive Function

3/23/2023

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As the “verdict day” approached of the second trial, I knew this might be the ending of all endings. It would be  memorable if it was good or bad. 

I had invited guests to meet at our house to debrief after but I had no idea how to plan for a verdict I could not predict - would he be declared "guilty or not guilty?"

I thought of lighting an eternal flame – something that would burn forever to commemorate Candace. But then I thought of the expense, the attention and the management of such a flame that might become onerous. We didn’t need to saddle anyone with another burden.

There is simply nothing as magical as candles and that little bit of fire at the end of the wick….

We would  need 33 candles.

Thirty-three tells a story. Numbers have meanings. There was the 7-week search, the 7-year trial process from the first trial to the end of the second. There was the date, January 17, the day Candace’s body was found, the day the first trial started, and the second trial as well.

I could go on and on – but suffice it to say that the number 33 has significance for me –  the number represents an ending and a profound new beginning. 

But that's where I stopped functioning.... I could think of nothing else. I made all kinds of mistakes in the invitations, in food prep and I even laid out 31 candles instead of 33. 

Finally the day came and the verdict - "Acquittal."

When the Judge said the word, our Executive Function of our brain panicked.  Both Cliff and I wanted to bolt.

But before we left the Law Courts Building, we still had to face the media that were waiting just outside the main doors.

We could have ducked out the side door – we knew that the security guards would let us do that. But we had never done that before – why should we now?

The media were important in getting the true story out. As frightening as their questions were – they were honest journalists.

We stepped outside the door. There was a bank of cameras and reporters.

The mischievous wind was swirling so they took us to the other side of the building… out of the west wind. The first question came, I looked at Cliff – and he was silent. I knew that he was at a real disadvantage, his executive functioning brain needs time to process. When my brain isn't functioning, my heart takes over and the words flow -- but who knows what I'll say.

The ride home was long as we processed it all again and again. There were those second thoughts, and then those third thoughts – fourth, fourth, fifth and then way down to twenty.

It was a thought trek of a million seconds, minutes that spanned 33 years.

The worst fear was: had the acquittal put us back to square one? Would we have to start another 33-year journey? Would the suspicion come back? Would all those public questions now intensify? Would anyone still want us around? Had our social equity value plummeted to nothing? Was this a failure – a public embarrassment for all of us, the Crowns, our friends included?

For the last ten years, the justice process had taken control of our lives, time, schedule, thoughts and organization. Now we were floating like a balloon  - released into the clear blue sky ready to burst as it sailed towards the blistering hot sun.

​Our minds were scrambled.

After the verdict we went home and waited. The journalist with their cameras came first and politely interviewed our friends as they came in. All our friends found beautiful and comforting things to say.

The candles glowed.

The conversation flowed.

The stories were as bright and warm as the candles.

After our guests had gone home, Cliff and I shut off all the lights and sat in the magical candlelight that makes everything beautiful.

We sat there in the dark staring at those candles – now they were no longer simple white unscented candles. They were 33 candles blessed by friends.

If those candles weren’t there, we would have been staring into the dark.
​
And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about. – Haruki Murakami
 
​Some have asked for more information regarding these brain functions - so I have gone back and added an application to the last six blogs.

Executive Function is that which controls by self regulation, self-control, time management and organization.

Forgiveness allow us to push past the fear of making a mistake as we plan and organize our day. To plan for something as uncertain as a verdict after a decade long process, was daunting. There is such a thing as anticipatory forgiveness to offset anticipatory anxiety.



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First time to see "Him" - Function of Memory

3/21/2023

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​There are some memories that will not fade. The mind wants to sort all of them into time - into past and present  - but there are some intrusive memories that refuse to be archived.

The first day of the preliminary hearing we woke up to the rumblings of a summer thunderstorm as fierce as anyone could imagine. Flashes of lightning, cracks of thunder startled us over and over again. It was an eerie summer version of the storm that had come on the day we had buried Candace.
​
The hearing was held in a small room, no bigger than a school classroom, in the new part of the Law Courts Building. The neutral beige room was furnished in the same way as all the courtrooms. The judge’s desk was elevated in front, the box for the accused was to the right of it. The 20 chairs upholstered in dark fuchsia that comprised the visitors’ gallery were against the back wall. I decided to sit in the first row.

No sooner seated when the side door opens, and the accused enters, shackled. It is the one moment I’ve always dreaded. Am I meeting him? Is this the meeting I’ve anticipated?

I was also surprised at his general appearance. At home, I had two pictures of him that we had printed off the Internet; one was of him when he was younger with long, stringy hair – the proverbial “bad boy” image, the other as a middle-aged man, balding, with glasses and a moustache.

In the box he looked like neither one. I thought he looked less than human. I was seeing him through my emotions.

Then they brought in Candace’s clothes as evidence – the clothes she had been wearing when she disappeared 25 years ago.

My heart stalled. I could feel myself begin to perspire.

Winnipeg Police Service Inspector took the stand and began to give his testimony. “The deceased was wearing a high school type jacket,” he began. “It was a blue body with red burgundy-colored sleeves and wool cuffs. The deceased was also wearing blue jeans with… and on her feet there were white socks.” Someone brought in more evidence, plastic bags of evidence, containing her jacket, her jeans. It felt as if she had walked into the room.
I could feel her smile, feel her warmth, and her innocence.

I was filled with unspeakable grief and longing for those days – when we were so young and light-hearted, all of us, so filled with hope. Massive spasms of grief rocked the room. I began to shake. I felt I was losing control. I struggled. I started counting. I find I can gain control if I distract myself by counting. I counted and counted but nothing seemed to counter the trembling, my body warm, aching with emotion. I couldn’t let them see me cry. I had to be still, perfectly still.

And then I looked up –his eyes were fastened on me.

It was in that state of naked grief that I stared into the eyes of the sexual predator – the man accused of causing the death of my daughter.

I felt completely undone, vulnerable, with no armor available. It seemed he had access to the inner torture of my soul – and I was defenseless.  The power of the look felt like a violation… like an intrusion in and of itself….

I was facing an unforgettable -moment that would turn intrusive.

It burned in my mind -- I could see it in everything - especially when I closed my eyes at night.



The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. - Salvador Dali


Some have asked for more information regarding these brain functions - so I have gone back and added an application to the last five blogs.

Application.

Memory is the faculty of the brain by which data or information is encoded, stored, and retrieved when needed. Memory is often understood as an informational processing system with explicit and implicit functioning that is made up of a sensory processor, short-term (or working) memory, and long-term memory.
​
Trauma will naturally keep the entire traumatic experience in the present memory until there is a solution.  The present memory has a limited space and can become crowded. This is why we have a natural chapter ending at the end of every day in which- while we are sleeping  - our brain files the memories away. It's called dreaming.

Forgiving the events of the day allows us to file away trauma that isn't resolved. It has it's own filing cabinet and labeling system that allows for injustices, fears and hurt feelings to be stored in files that are called, "faith, hope, and love."


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Human Intelligence DNA

3/20/2023

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We were certainly motivated. This trial was about our daughter so we wanted to master every detail. 

​We wanted to  at least understand the experts. 


When the molecular biologist and geneticist who was the full-time lab director of Molecular World responsible  for the collection and analysis of the DNA found at the crime scene, began to testify on the stand, I knew I was in trouble. Science was my least favorite subject in school.

He gave the background. Apparently, Mitochondrial DNA testing traces maternal lineage and is often used for ancient or degraded DNA including the kind that’s found inside a hair shaft, but it can’t identify a particular individual. The mitochondrial DNA profile the accused had was so common that one out of 11 Caucasian people are likely to share it.

The test on the hairs at the crime scene using mitochondrial DNA analysis also “couldn’t exclude” the accused, he said. They did exclude three other potential suspects, but the tests weren’t specific enough to point conclusively to the accused.

“We found only the major component reliable not the trace,” Chahal said.

The majority of the DNA found on the twine was linked to the accused after his blood samples were compared, Chahal said.

There was a one in 50 million chance that a randomly selected individual – someone other than the accused or one of his relatives – could have contributed to the majority DNA profile analysis developed from the twine, he testified.

Because of his thick accent, the Crown counsel Himmelman had him speak slowly and repeat things.

Dr. Chahal remained cool and unruffled throughout the three days of testimony including the 2 ½ days of cross-examination. 

The Defence was relentless in his cross-examination. What we thought we had learned was shredded.

At one point again, the Judge said, “I’m having trouble understanding. This is very technical. I’ll just keep listening.”

By end of day the  Judge wasn’t writing anymore. 

If the Judge couldn't get it, understand it -- how were we suppose to master it?

It was hard not to feel stupid, inadequate - and ignorant.
​

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant. 
― Harlan Ellison


Application:
Human intelligence is the mental quality that consists of the abilities to learn from experience, adapt to new situations, understand and handle abstract concepts, and use knowledge to manipulate one’s environment.

Forgiveness remains curious. It does not panic in the face of a newness but sees new information as a continuing challenge. It rejects labels of ignorance and allows us to grow in not only the knowledge but wisdom in the face  of new experiences.
​
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The System  ... Problem Solving

3/17/2023

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Another function of the mind is to problem solve. Our brain wants to find a way to keep us safe and prevent it from happening again. We had a problem like no other....

Our first introduction to the trial of the man, who had murdered our daughter, was exacting. They had an entire system to solve the problem of justice. The dedication, the science of it all was impressive.


This is what happened the first day. ​It hadn’t started smoothly.

The first thing the Judge had to deal with was a young man dressed casually, carrying a backpack​. He came in and sat at the Defence table, obviously feeling very uncomfortable.

The Judge noticed him immediately – and explained to the rest of us that during the jury selection process one potential juror hadn’t shown up. “He’s here today to give his reason.” He nodded to the young man, giving him the floor.

The young man stood up and stuttered some kind of confusion about his date book, calendar, exams and stress.

The Judge was not amused and spoke severely to him. “Jury duty is a civic duty.” And gave him what could only be described as a very articulate “fatherly” talk but with the authoritative presence and threat of a judge who had the power to hold him in contempt of court… but still let him go.

After the young man left, Crown Brian Bell stood up. “Morning, My Lord.”

“Mr. Bell,” the Judge nodded. “Good morning.”

Assistant Crown Mike Himmelman stood up. “My Lord, good morning.”

Defence Saul Simmonds stood up. “Morning, My Lord.  Simmonds and Gama on behalf of Mr. Grant, My Lord.”

Assistant to the Defence Vanessa Gama, “Morning.”

The Judge nodded to them all. “Good morning. Mr. Bell, Mr. Simmonds. Mr. Grant has already been arraigned, so the only thing that will remain on the first day of the jury’s convocation here will be putting Mr. Grant in charge of the jury. As I understand it, we’re here for the first three days of this week, or first two days, two and a half days to deal with a voir dire.”

Voir dire! The first day – and we were starting with a delay – a voir dire!

A voir dire is an old French word means to speak the truth…. But actually it is a trial within a trial to determine an internal trial issue, such as the admissibility of certain evidence. It is off the record, in house, a behind-the-doors conversation. It is “talking off the record.” It is not official because the jury is absent from the courtroom. There is always a publication ban on a voir dire. It lasted three days.

It was an immediate reminder that this trial was the real thing – not a preliminary hearing. This time it was the Defence who would be the one not exactly in control, but the one who was “on.”

I was very aware that Grant had one of the best defence lawyers in Winnipeg, if not in Canada. Saul Simmonds was a founding partner of Gindin Wolson Simmonds Roitenberg, who has been practicing criminal law since 1980. He was an academic gold medalist, and a published writer.

Out of the courtroom he was known as an athlete, an avid triathlete, who had even competed in the “Ironman Canada” competition in Penticton, B.C.

Twice during the court proceedings, he came up to me and extended his condolences to me for the death of my daughter and his understanding. He said that he had a son whom he loved dearly. The implication was he understood my grief – and that his argument was not against me personally but in defense of Grant.

I don’t remember my response, but I hope it was gracious and understanding. I did admire him. He had all the dedication, wit and flare that characterize a good defence lawyer. He was brilliant and full of drama. Every offender needs a good defence lawyer, or so I reminded myself continuously throughout the trial.

We were in Room 117, in the modern part of the courthouse, large, airy and very comfortable.

There is something fascinating about an intense voir dire. I felt like a child listening in on an adult conversation. Without the scrutiny of the media in the room, the three main players in the middle of the courtroom could just take off their gloves and battle it out.

The issues seemed more crystallized and clear, the conflict defined.

It started with Simmonds introducing the two issues that would take almost three days to discuss. It really felt as if Simmonds had taken control. But that shouldn’t surprise us – this was the accused’s territory – his land. We were on his turf.

We were reminded of this every time we went through the ritual of passing through security.

The entire Winnipeg Law Courts Complex has a perimeter security staffed by the Sheriff Services which meant that every time we entered the complex, we were required to step through a metal detector and send any bags, purses or briefcases through an X-ray device, similar to the security found at an airport.

Even the walkway, the name we gave the enclosed bridge over the street from the Woodsworth Building to the Law Courts Building, had security. We often chose to use it because it seemed less intrusive and more efficient. The security was unbending. We soon learned that we could not take in our cameras,  but we could take our cell phones.

​The security perimeter was a reminder that we were entering the land of logic. The entire justice system is marked by impartiality, dispassionate debate, and objective justice, free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism. There is something orderly and confident about law. 

We have an amazing system to problem solve our problem of justice. If nothing else, I hope I've  impressed you with the professionalism, the brilliance and the dedication to doing it right.

We had the best. Really - the very best!

Still  -  after a decade of process, which included appeals, Supreme Court of Canada, and a repeat trial - it still failed. He was acquitted. 

Except we were still convinced he was guilty.....the system had failed us. 

The system would not keep us safe - the man who had murdered our daughter was free to do it again. 


That didn't help our problem solving focused brain - already concussed.
​

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Application:
Problem Solving is the function of the brain that takes on the problems by defining it, generating alternative, evaluating and selecting alternatives, and then implementing solutions.
 
Forgiveness allows us to live within the problem and not panic when there is no obvious quick solution. It gives us room and space to be creative and even perhaps find alternative solutions - out of the box solutions.


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Factor X  - Function of Language

3/16/2023

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We are now exploring the mind which is all about finding the right word.

In our case it was the simplest words that defied our brain.​

He? Him? It was difficult to know what to call him - the person who had murdered our daughter.

Over the years, I’ve been in many conversations with other parents of murdered children who also did not know what to call the person who had killed their child. Some referred to him as: “the one”; “the killer”; “the murderer”; “the life-taker”; “the perpetrator”; even “the enemy.” To avoid all of this, some victims gave him a nickname or referred to him only by initials. It seems there is no consensus.

Once in the justice system, the accused was referred to as a person of interest, the suspect, someone implicated, or someone under suspicion. Once charged, he became known as the accused, offender, defendant, the prisoner, and eventually the appellant.

Later after sentencing, it was criminal, convict, felon, con, crook, sinner, guilty person, inmate. The names are endless. But during the court process, the lawyers and Judge would call him Mr. Grant.

After we learned that the police had an accused, but we didn’t know his name - we dubbed him “Factor X.”

Suffering from a concussed brain - we were at an extreme disadvantage in the courtroom listening to the Judge's that first day.

It started with the "charge."


“Now the phrase ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ is a very important part of our criminal justice system,” the Judge explained.

Reasonable doubt?

The Judge continued as if reading my mind. “A reasonable doubt, as I explained early on, is not a farfetched or frivolous doubt. It is not a doubt based on sympathy or prejudice. It is a doubt based on reason and common sense. It is a doubt that logically arises from the evidence or the lack of evidence.”

He paused, looked at the jury, letting them ponder his words.

“You should also remember, however, that it is nearly impossible to prove anything with absolute certainty. Crown counsel is not required to do so. Absolute certainty is a standard of proof that is impossibly high and it does not exist in law,” he concluded.

​We didn't understand....

The words were concise - but our minds were concussed.


Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble. - Yehuda Berg

Application:
The language function which are regions in our frontal, temporal and parietal lobes formulate what you want to say and the motor cortex, in your frontal lobe, enables you to speak the words. Most of this language-related brain activity is likely occurring in the left side of your brain.


After trauma our words escape us or we find that we are in a new world with a new vocabulary. Forgiveness is the first word that opens up the possibility of a new language - a new new set of words. Forgiveness words are accurate, truthful and full of grace and understanding.  


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Six Functions Fragmented

3/15/2023

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The murder left us with a concussed traumatized mind that needed to forgive and be healed.

The first symptom was our attention to details. It wasn't that we were irresponsible. We just didn't pay attention to bills, income tax, buying clothes, and cleaning the house. Everything paied in the light of murder.

We certainly didn't pay attention to speed limits. We were desperate - in emergency mode and if we had to get anywhere - even to a normal  church service - we had to get there quickly.  Both Cliff and I racked up speeding tickets like no other time in our lives. Cliff almost lost his license because of speeding tickets - and he was ordinarily a very cautious driver.

Our reaction to the police visit - 22 years later -  is the perfect example of the craziness that can occur in our minds.

Our brains are tasked with six main functions: attention, memory, language, problem solving, executive function, and human intelligence. All of which can be fragmented under duress.
 
Attention
In cognitive science, “attention” refers to all the mechanisms by which the brain selects information, amplifies it, channels it, and deepens its processing.  This is an editing process, alarm process.
 
Memory
Memory is the faculty of the brain by which data or information is encoded, stored, and retrieved when needed. Memory is often understood as an informational processing system with explicit and implicit functioning that is made up of a sensory processor, short-term (or working) memory, and long-term memory.
 
Language - Regions in your frontal, temporal and parietal lobes formulate what you want to say and the motor cortex, in your frontal lobe, enables you to speak the words. Most of this language-related brain activity is likely occurring in the left side of your brain.
  
Problem Solving
Problem Solving is the function of the brain that takes on the problems by defining it, generating alternative, evaluating and selecting alternatives, and then implementing solutions
  
Executive Function
Executive Function is that which controls by self regulation, self-control, time management and organization.
 
Human intelligence
Human intelligence is the mental quality that consists of the abilities to learn from experience, adapt to new situations, understand and handle abstract concepts, and use knowledge to manipulate one’s environment

The human brain is an incredible pattern-matching machine. The human brain has 100 billion neurons, each neuron connected to 10 thousand other neurons. Sitting on your shoulders is the most complicated object in the known universe.- Michio Kaku

​Application
In this blog I illustrate the role of attention - 


In cognitive science, “attention” refers to all the mechanisms by which the brain selects information, amplifies it, channels it, and deepens its processing.  This is an editing process, alarm process.

The murder skewed our ability to choose what we needed to focus on -  like  posted speed signs. Even in the beginning when we first saw the presence on the bed - we chose the word "forgiveness" to refocus our body  - and our brain.

Forgiveness means taking control of what we want to focus on - resisting the negativity bias that ties us to the trauma and  to choose the freedom of positivity found in forgiveness. 
​ 
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Bottled Water - Attention

3/14/2023

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​Twenty-two years later we received a call from the police, they wanted to meet.

The day of the meeting,  I made coffee and set out mugs on a silver tray ready for our guests. I straightened the pillows on the living room sofa, glanced at the thin film of dust, barely visible on the end table, and decided to ignore it. It was a meeting after all – not a visit.

I began to pace. Cliff wasn’t home yet. We still hadn’t talked. All my fears started to surface. What if now – in desperation – they would accuse Cliff again of the murder? Their suspicion had always been lurking in the background all these 22 some years. My mind was beginning to cycle. If it came up, we would need to call a lawyer.

I was just about to call Cliff on his cell when I noticed his van pull up on the driveway. He came in breathing heavily, carrying two large bags – basically his transportable office for his janitorial business.

“Have to shower,” he said, taking off his jacket and starting down the hallway to the bedroom.

“No time to shower.” I followed him, picking up his bags and taking them to his office so they would be safely out of sight. “They are going to be here any minute. Put on something black.”

“Why black?”

“No time to discuss it. Just wear something black.”

He was already taking off his shirt when I walked into the bedroom. “Black, always black. What is it with you and black?” he grumbled.

There was something in his tone that told me that he was as worried as I was.

“Confidence,” I said. “It’s all about confidence. And we need all the confidence we can muster for this visit.”

He picked out black trousers from his closet, a charcoal shirt. I nodded my agreement.

“I’ve made coffee for them,” I said. “But I don’t have any bottled water. I forgot to pick some up.”

He smiled. “I forgot to pick up donuts,” he said, chuckling. “I promised them donuts.”

I winced. “No donut jokes. Please – no donut jokes.”

I sat down momentarily on the bed.

“But before they come, we need to have a plan,” I said. “We still haven’t chosen a secret word or some kind of code to use if we sense something is coming down. We need to be able to signal to each other if we are feeling overwhelmed – losing control – or if there is danger.”

He shrugged. “If I think we need a lawyer, I’ll just say so.”

It was hard to explain to him my fears. After all these years, he still had no realization of the intense suspicions aimed at our whole family – and particularly him. “We might want to caucus in the kitchen before we confront them with calling a lawyer,” I insisted.

The doorbell rang.

“Green thumb,” I said. “The secret signal will be green thumb. If I say something about a ‘green thumb’ then you know we need to talk privately. I’ll head for the kitchen and you come help me with coffee or something.”

“Green thumb? You’ll never be able to bring that up in a conversation.”

I thought about it again. He was right. It did sound crazy. I had thought it might be easy to look at all our green plants in the living room, point them out and say something about Cliff’s green thumb. But our guests were going to be men.

“Bottled water,” I tried again. “We can use the words ‘bottled water’ for our secret code.”

“But we don’t have bottled water,” he said.

Exactly!

The doorbell rang a second time. I started down the hallway. Cliff was close at my heels.

“Bottled water it is,” I said. “If I refer to bottled water – head for the kitchen.”

There were three men standing there – tall – all dressed in black.

We invited them in to sit down.
​

They sat down. Three officers dressed in black, in our living room reminding me of that first night when Candace disappeared. It was bringing it all back. Flashbacks, memories – and those dreadful feelings of their accusations.

The officer who had called the meeting, cleared his throat, completely unaware of my thoughts, waited then said, “We found him.”

I nodded and waited. They waited.

“We know who did it,” he said, watching us.

I still nodded. I still couldn’t say anything. From the corner of my eye, I knew Cliff was having as much trouble as I was – wondering what their next words would be. Our minds were racing in a million directions.

They were waiting for a response.

I just couldn’t ask “who” – and trigger the “you.” And then they would look at Cliff and take him away - falsely accuse him again.

They were waiting….

“Are you sure?” I said finally.

“Yes.”

I looked at each one of them separately. They all nodded. It was easy to tell that they were all united.

I still didn’t know how to move the conversation along, to hide our own fears and still release them to tell us more.

Finally, I thought of the perfect question. “Do we know him?”

“No, you don’t.” they said.

“Are you sure we don’t know him?” feeling the first wave of relief.

“Yes – we are sure. You don’t know him.”

“Are you sure?”

He leaned slightly forward. “And I just want to let you know… it isn’t anyone known to your family.”

The supervisor who was sitting beside me repeated, “It isn’t anyone you know.”

“No one we know,” I said in disbelief.

Maybe we were on safe ground?

They must have said it a dozen times in different ways before I was convinced this wasn’t some kind of trick.

“Aren’t you relieved?”
​
We nodded. Our poor, traumatized minds could not absorb it. It was hard to erase 22 years of careful solid defenses in one second.

The rest of the visit is a bit of a blur - I think we were able then to convey our gratitude for their initiative, their hard work and their thoughtfulness. I hope we did.


But after they left -- Cliff and I completely exhausted - looked at each other and and howled with laughter. We just laughed and laughed at our craziness - our crazy concussed minds.

After that we would always laugh at the words, "... bottled water."


There is certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place. - Washington Irving

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Pause in Review

3/13/2023

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I'm now going to move into the mind quadrant.... How does the mind forgive? This is going to be tough for me.  I don't live in my mind.

If you are new to this conversation,  I am blogging out my experience of forgiveness through the lens  of the four parts of the person –  body, heart, mind and spirit. These four can be traced back to  the beginning of time recorded by leaders such as Hippocrates.

I’m also envisioning a  Forgiveness Center. The first floor of this imaginary Centre was fashioned with body forgiveness in mind. This is my weakest area of awareness so I found it fascinating. The second floor is fashioned with heart forgiveness which features storytelling. 

I have now taken the imaginary elevator to the third floor – that of the mind. 

I thought the mind would be simple -"one just chooses" to forgive. I grew up in the era of the old revival meetings where one would choose to be converted and walk up the "sawdust trail" as an outward manifestation of "choosing." It was all about choosing.

Didn't we 'just choose" to forgive that night we saw the trauma presence on the bed? Wasn't that just the mind? Not necessarily when one realizes that the body holds the trauma. Perhaps it was in partnership with the brain - and if so what part of the brain.


Apparently according to neuroscience, which is the branch of the natural sciences concerned with how the brain and the nervous system control behavior, there are six main functions of the brain. 

It took all of these six functions of the brain to navigate the decade-long trial that we went through - which definitely was a mind game. 
​
We are truly beautifully and wonderfully made.

Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not, 'How can we hide our wounds?' so we don't have to be embarrassed, but 'How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?' – Henri Nouwen


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