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living desperately

4/18/2023

It's not even been one year since Cliff died - and I've been doing well. - or so everyone thinks. I think they see how busy I am.

Since Cliff died I've edited his autobiography blogs and published them in a book "Chasing the Light" launched November 27. Then I fantasized in a daily blog form the Forgiveness Tower - 3 months of it - completing it with a Hallelujah moment.

Since Cliff died, I've travelled! I have cruised on the Caribbean Sea, taken in a Broadway show in New York and tomorrow I travel to the Dominican Republic to stay at an all inclusive for a week - with family.

Meanwhile I've continued to work as a therapist at Oakville Wellness Center, teach my 8-week writing course on Zoom, always enjoying connecting with brilliant gifted writers and doing some consulting as well.

I've even managed to teach a 6 -week course "Grieving Well" as part of the Canadian Mennonite University community courses. I have no idea how to grieve "well" but it was fun to explore grieving with others. I think I used them as a support group.

I've even downsized our house and moved into an apartment with a view of the Red River and the city line.

Oh yes - and I continue to have wonderful conversations with amazing friends and family over coffee or cell phone.

Yet I feel ancient and desperate. I miss Cliff terribly -- all the time.

But I am living out Cliff's example - even in the face of death he lived intentionally.

They say it gets easier.

“The few times, however, that we do obey our severe masters and listen carefully to our restless hearts, we may start to sense that in the midst of our sadness there is joy, that in the midst of our fears there is peace, that in the midst of our greediness there is the possibility of compassion and that indeed in the midst of our irking loneliness we can find the beginnings of a quiet solitude.”― Henri J.M. Nouwen

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Done it

4/12/2023

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I think I’ve done it. I think I have finally answered the question.

After Candace's body was found we held a press conference to thank Winnipeg for their wonderful support in the seven-week search. At the end, one of the reporters asked what we would do about the murder. We said we would "forgive."

in hind sight, I know it was more of a knee-jerk reaction to the trauma encounter that we had experienced. It was a wish. When we had felt the trauma presence on our bed that first night - we had said we would forgive and the presence left. It was a miracle word! We weren't about to let it go.

Our forgiveness response was not understood by most - the majority. The others who did understand - seemed to be intrigued. In any case, the questions started to come - and I've been trying to answer them ever since.

Interviews, invitations to speak, visits by the influential, Johann Hari, Malcolm Gladwell, opportunities like the Ted talk etc. etc. I even tried writing books along the way but never felt satisfied. I didn’t even come up with a good definition of what forgiveness was. - even though I was on the hunt.

All I knew was that forgiveness was very complicated - and became more complicated with time rather than less. Apparently the murder of a child with sexual intent is the hardest most difficult to forgive

The discovery of the quadrants was a milestone. It was a way of organizing life into four manageable parts that are simple and easily understood. Discovering the quadrants finally helped me understand the "body trauma" that we had gone through! The body has to forgive as well. Wow - that was a break through for me.

I was also driven by Cliff's dying wish for me to adapt the quadrants, and explore and describe our forgiveness experience in terms of a Forgiveness Centre - an impossible dream - or is it?

I might not be able to build it but I can imagine it. In my new apartment with the distant view of the Canadian Museum of Human Rights - I began to imagine a similar building with access to the unlimited budget of $100 Billion dollars.

To make it truly authentic to my experience, I tried to illustrate the quadrant journey with my own stories which is another exercise of remembering and learning. I started to blog it out - four quadrants, four forgiveness floors!

And now, I’ve just completed the fourth floor. I've done it! I have imagined a Forgiveness Centre that I think reflects the complicated journey needed to find the true freedom in forgiveness.

Let me assure you that I have no no inclination to build this imagined tower of hope - or to even start fundraising for it! It’s an impossible dream.

But I've realized by doing this - that there is a unique power in dreaming. I have built the Centre in my imagination and it lives and even functions there with a strange surreal reality.

I have a new appreciated of the power of the imagination and its ability to heal. When I was describing the last scenes - I was experiencing it as well. I was healing.

In any case - I have done it! I have built it and it was fun. I feel I have completely answered the questions about what it’s like to forgive to the best of my ability.

And thank you all for coming along this journey with me.

Your support, your observations, your responses meant more to me than you will ever know.

I thought there might be more criticism of my crazy way of thinking - my crazy theology - my crazy stories and my crazy first daft mistakes - but you’ve been kind and I just thank you.

I have no idea what I’m going to do now ....

Aim for the sky, but move slowly, enjoying every step along the way. It is all those little steps that make the journey complete. - Chanda Kochhar

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white on white

4/10/2023

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Now that I live in an apartment and use the elevators every day, I wondered about the use of them in the Forgiveness Centre. I had just assumed the Centre would be built around a core of elevators in the middle of the building for the convenience of everyone.

But riding elevators can also be disorienting - always wondering as the doors open - what floor am I on? So then I had another thought - with 100 Billion dollars I can do whatever would be best for the Centre.

Perhaps right next to the Centre, we need a soaring Space Needle - 1000 feet. It would be topped with an amazing two story revolving restaurant with an all-glass floor on the lower level and a floor-to-ceiling glass on the upper level allowing the people to see the prairie in all its glory.

To solve the problem of the non-descript elevators, the Space Needle could be designed to have four skywalks crossing over to the Centre giving the guests access to the specific quadrants by a custom designed walk way. It would make the entrance onto each floor a significant experience. Since the Centre is a very self-absorbed journey inward this could help with that and would give it some objectivity.

Oh yes - and there is also something very healing about the prairies. When I was going through my toughest time attending the court trials in our case - all of a sudden I needed a blank space to rest my eyes on. I even started painting white-on-white in desperation. There’s nothing as blank and as beautiful as the prairie sky with bits of clouds floating softly by. The traumatized mind can relax.

Winnipeg is also known for its short seasonal transition times. We go from snow white to leaves on the trees, from winter to summer, in one or two weeks which is perfect for the traumatized brain that find transitions tough.

As far as I understand, there is research that also shows that staring off into the distant space also helps with the creative process- our minds need to see a distant horizon. That's why studios often have large windows - and there is nothing further than a prairie horizon.

Of course at the very tip of the space needle - right next to the sky - would be this wonderful restaurant called "Taste and See"" that anyone who has attained a graduation certificate for having completed the Forgiveness Centre from top to bottom - would be able to access - free of charge - a gift -a reward for work well done.

For tourists it would be $1000 a plate of the most exquisite food..

Then as inspiration there would be a man-made beautifully designed lake nearby to attract the Canada Goose, Great Blue Herons, Eagles, Swans and Pelicans that would entertain the guests as they fly in the sky past the windows, images of soaring freedom.

And last but not least - there needs to be a spacious state-of-the-art parking lot - underground - so that people can come with their buses, their vehicles, their bikes - whatever they want, to come to the center - no one would be denied a truly beautiful forgiveness experience.

For the travelers who come to visit, there would be four-star hotel right down the road with a shuttle service - and next to that a strip mall complete with a drug store, convenience store and all the other little stores that we need.

There I think I have done it - it is designed.

Now what?

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.- Lewis B. Smedes

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Spirit Finger of Fourth Floor

4/7/2023

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Now I am ready to design the fourth Spirit floor of the Forgiveness Centre. I am still looking for a mountain. More then ever, I want the Centre to represent a spirit climb and there are no mountains nearby.

Again, I see the rising sun reflecting off of the Canadian Museum for Human Rights. The museum is an elegant mountain climb encased in glass. It is still perfect.

So I'm going to dream again

If I had 100 billion dollars, I’d borrow me some of the design ideas from the Museum and build me a Healing Forgiveness Centre close to the Winnipeg airport on the way to Stony Mountain.

This fourth floor will need at least seven levels because in essence it resembles a towering finger of hope.

The first level will need to be an inspiration to create a will and desire to forgive. One way to inspire others would be to set up a gallery of everyone who has chosen the forgiveness lifestyle, - the heroes of forgiveness - who have lived life fully and spectacularly.

The second level would give opportunity for an outward expression of an inner commitment. Just as one needs the public gesture of a wedding to help one commit to a marriage, we need public gestures to commit our lives to forgiveness. This level would have tunnels. The first tunnel would symbolize baptism. Baptism is a traditional symbol of new birth; we could have a glass tunnel under a water fall for this.  There would be another tunnel of wind - duplicating the feeling of 'going against the wind' reminding us that forgiveness is always counter-intuitive. Then there would be a tunnel between two hot fires, to duplicate the feeling of entering into a 'burning holy presence,' - a refining fire resulting in complete vulnerability - no shoes allowed. There would be a tunnel reminiscent of the old saw dust trail with George Beverly Shea singing 'Just as I am.' Lastly, there would need to be the communion tunnel - replicating the Lord's supper with goblets of wine and the breaking of bread and of course the opportunity to wash each other's feet - we could add a few delicious appetizers because we might need a coffee break about now.

The next level would be a huge art studio where people would be encouraged to create in whatever medium they prefer - from a paint splattering Jackson Pollock to a Rembrandt Portrait and everything in between. This level would be hosted by imaginative, gifted artists, lovingly guiding the insecure creatives to give expression to their precious souls. Everyone would leave with their own masterpiece.

The fourth level would resemble a log cabin in the woods decorated with theology - the story of trees, starting with the Eden Tree of good and chaos and ending with a whole orchard of the Tree of life. Trees are the supreme example of every aspect of forgiveness, from the death on the tree, to the shade of a tree, to the burning bush, to their fruit, to the paper we write on, the houses that we build and the firewood that we burn. There would need to be deer on this cabin level - and I'm not quite sure why. In this ambiance of nature, one would be given the opportunity and guidance to hear God's voice, identifying it and memorializing it by collecting stones, decorating them and building altars and “inukshuks" with them. Here one could choose the name for God that fits your season of life, Abba, Father, Savior, Friend, Lover, God, Higher Power - etc.

The fifth level would give way to a pause of reflection with a giant labyrinth designed to aid in the art of silence and meditation. This level would be hosted by "poet guides" with spiritual giftings. There is nothing more meaningful than a spiritual soul giving another lonely soul, poetic images that connect them with their inner self . In a corner on this level would be a room set apart for 24/7 prayer - a place for the prayer warriors. And then of course we would need a sound proof theatre set aside for those who dance, fall, shiver and shake as they enter into the Spirit of worship music of every kind 24/7.

On the sixth level, we step onto a concrete path studded with blue gems and lined with Spanish alabaster to begin the climb up the glass finger of hope.

But before we begin the climb there would be a pastoral - type guides offering opportunities to write a personalized current 'Lord's Prayer' giving special attention to the words... "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us. Save us from the time of trial, and deliver us from evil." There would also be confessional booths for those who need to say the words aloud - to begin the true cleansing process- the emptying of self necessary in a forgiveness process.

Then the walk up this path would be lined with words of unconditional love of the Creator. The words - "Do not be afraid." and "I love you." would be highlighted in music, scripted words and whispers. There might be red rose petals raining down occasionally just to remind the pilgrims climber of the unconditional love of God.

Everyone would end up at the very top - the seventh level - and be treated to a spectacular show of fierce northern lights replicated by the use of strobe lights intermittently piercing the black night. After a spectacular show, the lights would go out and the dark sky would be studded with stars - sparkling brilliantly.

Then the evening air would be filled with the most beautiful choir rendition of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus - capturing waves and waves of triumphant music, unveiling the splendor and devotion of a God who epitomizes forgiveness - who did not abandon us to the dark night of the soul but provided a way to escape into the light of the Spirit.

Then the music and view become so powerful, we can't help but spontaneously stand in ovation for what God has done for us by giving us the opportunity to experience forgiveness and all that it promises.  We are filled with waves and waves of reassurances that even though suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death are part of our journey on earth, we can climb the tower of forgiveness over and over again, and experience pure joy and delicious freedom at the top in God's presence. Here we can enter into the "awe" of God - a transcendent moment that miraculously transforms our pain into generosity and joy.

We then - in a blink of an eye - are transported down to earth ready to fight another battle with unbridled enthusiasm. Always knowing that when life gets to us - we can always return and climb the tower of hope at the Forgiveness Centre and experience new healing that leaves us with abundant  faith, hope, and love - but mostly love.

I have often said, “I forgive you,” but even as I said these words my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return—if only the praise for being so forgiving!  But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything of itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive. . . . Only when I remember that I am the Beloved Child can I welcome those who want to return with the same compassion as that with which the Father welcomes me. - Henri Nouwen

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Chimpanzees Forgive

4/6/2023

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I’ll never forget that critical moment.

I was in Qatar at a school conference telling my story and outlining the trauma elements to the students. After one of my classes I had a student come up to me with his three buddies behind him, and ask me the big question, "Do you need a faith to forgive?"

It was a simple question. I could’ve answered, "yes" because I personally require a faith to forgive, but as I looked at them I realized the cultural, religious barriers. During my class, they had been accepting of my trauma stories - I had watched them - I didn't want to burn bridges.

So, I told him that one didn't need a special faith to forgive, anybody could forgive. Research shows that even chimpanzees forgive. We giggled together at the thought of that.... "Sometimes we might need a faith...." I added...and they nodded.

To forgive always takes that second thought and effort, but because we are social beings who value relationship - forgiveness just makes common sense. We make the effort. "Don't sweat the small stuff," we say with a shrug of the shoulders.

But what if it is big - like forgiving the theft of a million dollars? Or like in our case - the murder of our thirteen-year-old daughter? When things are too big for us - we need help.

The 12-Step Program created by Alcoholics Anonymous is a widely used treatment tool to help people deal with their addictions by putting their faith in the Higher Power. In the same way when we are over our heads, consumed with anger, we need a Higher Power

Cliff and I often talked about the peculiar power we experienced when we had come to our wits end and were on our knees begging for help. Our God would help.

God might not answer our prayers for a million dollars, for a stress-free life, for that perfect mate, of for that secret dream wish - however he does help us forgive. It isn’t a quick fix and there’s no prevention that we know - but there is help if we ask. Especially if we ask him to create miracles - and turn something unforgivable into something good.
God cannot resist the pleas of a desperate soul.

But we need to remember forgiveness isn't a right -- it is always a gift exchanged in love.

No one has proof that I know of, that a higher power exists, yet a major portion of the world believes in it and relies on it in faith in trust, in what that is. Where is the science in that? And yet you have incredible belief in that. - Sandra Bullock

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Romance Origins

4/6/2023

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I'm not a theologian, I am woman - and a writer and a therapist. Oh yes - and when I was young, I wanted to be a romance writer. I was very prepared to assess Kansas City and his Song of Songs.

Besides as a little girl attending church every Sunday, this was the book that had amused me and my cousins sitting in the front pews. As we were forced to listen to one dry German sermon after the other - we entertained ourselves by reading...."Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle."- it made buying our first bra sacred.

So it was with some amusement Cliff and I drove to a cabin tucked away in the forests of Northern Saskatchewan, where we listened to the 21 -sessions each an hour long - then talked about what we were learning as we walked through the woods together - holding hands. Song of Songs is a love story. Studying it made for the perfect romantic get-a-way - which was not only theologically refreshing but healing for our marriage as well. Ok - I'm going to admit - it was the best week ever.

And - by the end of the week we were enamored with Kansas City as well and fell in love with the "Bridal Paradigm" - a teaching that emphasizes the Church as the Bride of Christ and the Kingdom of God as a place of pure love. Our surprise was how this beautiful theme runs through the entire Bible - and yet is rarely emphasized in our churches.

I can't possibly summarize the theology with the credibility it deserves - but like I said, I am a romantic - and have developed some expertise on that level. (And here I am writing with a smile.)

What if the paradigm is correct and God is a romantic like all of us? Perhaps it is true that after God created the heavens and the planets to spin around the sun, this powerful God wanted to be loved and to experience love on a personal level so he created beautiful human beings in his image and set them up in a perfect garden to commune with them daily? This would also explain the tree because the only problem with the love theme is, that for there to be true loyalty and love, there needs to be boundaries within the relationship. So God needed to set that up too - a simple boundary. "Don't eat the fruit."

And then the love of God's life and the love of Adam's life, Eve betrays their trust by choosing to believe that creepy, low-life, lying serpent and eats the fruit. It wasn't only the act - It was an emotional affair - the worst. She betrayed her first love.

Insulted, dishonored and broken hearted, God reacts like a jilted lover. in fact, as a therapist I have dealt with many who have been betrayed in their relationships. Let me assure you that God's behavior throughout the entire Old Testament is typical of the passive - aggressive behavior of a betrayed spouse. withdrawing - sulking one moment - and then punishing the next. Thank goodness, we have a New Testament in which God is able to resolve his issues - realizing that punishing does not change human behavior or win back their love. So God offers human beings the opportunity to choose again by sending another bridegroom in preparation for a true wedding feast still to come. Rather than sulk - God openly declares his love and offers a redemption plan - that is consistent with his stance of enduring love.

What I like best about the Bridal Paradigm is that it is a theology that heals. It's main message is not of that fierce condemnation we grew up with. It fits with the need to forgive and be forgiven. It emphasizes the need for the golden glue that promises to heal the fragmentation resulting from any betrayal.

Oh yes -- and then to test the validity of Song of Songs again, I held a study on the book in our home - women only - to see if it would be accepted by the Eve in all of us. It was the best ever.

We can't study the biggest love story of all time without falling in love with each other.

Personally, as my struggle reveals, I don’t often “feel” like a beloved child of God. But I know that that is my most primal identity and I know that I must choose it above and beyond my hesitations. Strong emotions, self-rejection, and even self-hatred justifiably toss you about, but you are free to respond as you will. You are not what others, or even you, think about yourself. You are not what you do. You are not what you have. You are a full member of the human family, having been known before you were conceived and molded in your mother’s womb. In times when you feel bad about yourself, try to choose to remain true to the truth of who you really are. Look in the mirror each day and claim your true identity. Act ahead of your feelings and trust that one day your feelings will match your convictions. Choose now and continue to choose this incredible truth. As a spiritual practice claim and reclaim your primal identity as beloved daughter or son of a personal Creator.- Henri Nouwen

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My Biggest Worry

4/5/2023

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As you know I have spectacular children.

But there was a time when I was worried sick about the younger ones. What would the trauma do to them? Cliff and I were having enough trouble navigating our way through it. I couldn't imagine being a child and having to deal with the trauma of murder - and knowing that secondary trauma is even harder to recognize and recover from.

When I asked God about how to deal with them and how to raise them, he gave me a vivid image of a Canadian Mother Goose walking across the busy highway with her brood of little ones. She wasn’t behind them, she wasn’t beside them,- she was in front of them leading the way positively and confidently taking on all the risks.

I realized if I was to save my children, I would have to find my own way through first. No wonder I was so desperate and tried so hard. It wasn’t only for myself, it was also for the children.

I might have overdone it. My daughter says that we had trauma discussions at every dinner table, poor things. But they did it - they got through it with their faith intact and lived out their lives with amazing resilience.

But then I noticed an influence on them that caused me concern. They became enamored with a preacher from Kansas City - taking every opportunity to travel down and participate in his ministry.

I was worried. Their devotion to him made me wonder if he was a cult leader so I researched him and found out that his thesis - of all things - was a study on the Songs of Solomon. in fact, he claimed that the Song of Songs was the most important theological book in the Bible. How weird was that? And he was offering a course on it - 21 sessions - each one hour long

So Cliff and I decided that we would take the course. We rented a tiny cabin in Northern Saskatchewan and listened to it all - intently - for a whole week.

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another. - Luciano De Crescenzo

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God like one of us

4/4/2023

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I'm not intentional when it comes to music so I am victim of whatever songs are being played on the radio at the time.

When Candace went missing and was found murdered, the song,
"One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking of You. Just give me the strength to do everyday - What I have to do
Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine
God help me today
Show me the way
One day at a time."

...got stuck in my head.

Ten years later, when I was tired of being sad -- the song -
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make his way home?
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope, maybe in Rome
...was stuck in my head for years. I think it portrays my very lonely, discouraged heart.

But the song that haunted me over the years was the well-known hymn, "It is well with my soul." with it's impossible high standard of grace.
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come
Let this blest assurance control
That Christ (yes he has) has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul
It is well (it is well) with my soul (with my soul)

I couldn't sing it -- because it wasn't well with my soul. I was trying but never quite getting to that perfect place of serenity that the song described. Yet the song followed me. it seemed that every time we went to church we were asked to sing it. Every time I was asked to tell my story they would play it before or after I spoke.

And each time the words tore me apart. It became a love-hate relationship with a song.

The Spirit needs integrity - and will find it in song.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul
It is well (it is well) with my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul - Horatio G. Spafford,

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A Pause

4/3/2023

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I'm a word processor and I've learned a lot about myself as I've unraveled these four quadrants of forgiveness in this blog.

Using my own life, I've been illustrating how suffering can lead to deep fragmentation along the obvious quadrant fault lines.

Up till now I've been reviewing the quadrants through the five senses of the body, the five love languages of the heart, the six functions of the mind and the five responsibilities of the spirit.

By examining the quadrants individually, I have also tried to show how difficult it is to put the shattered pieces together, impossible without the golden glue of forgiveness that I am outlining in the design of the Forgiveness Centre.

What we haven't talked about is the inherent power struggle of the two forces inside and outside of us that also fragment us. There is the higher power of life, love, learning and light and the lower power of chaos. It is well documented in all cultures that we have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other - always bickering inside our heads.

That is why I have appreciated, Steve Covey's work who suggests that even though the quadrants are equally important, they do require leadership to function as a unit.
He suggests that we need to be guided by the Spirit, because it is the Spirit quadrant that has the ability to choose, the desire and will to follow through, the power to imagine something new and the responsibility to make it happen.

We also know that is the Spirit that has the ability to connect with the peculiar power of the designer of the forgiveness process.

Ever since man's story of origin - the garden of Eden - the need for forgiveness and healing has been apparent and applied. We also know that by applying forgiveness we can reap the fruits of the Spirit of the Higher Power which are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

In my processing, I am arriving again and again at the only conclusion - forgiveness gives us hope.

“Hope is not dependent on peace in the land, justice in the world, and success in the business. Hope is willing to leave unanswered questions unanswered and unknown futures unknown. Hope makes you see God’s guiding hand not only in the gentle and pleasant moments but also in the shadows of disappointment and darkness. No one can truly say with certainty where he or she will be ten or twenty years from now. You do not know if you will be free or in captivity, if you will be honored or despised, if you will have many friends or few, if you will be liked or rejected. But when you hold lightly these dreams and fears, you can be open to receive every day as a new day and to live your life as a unique expression of God’s love for humankind. There is an old expression that says, “As long as there is life there is hope.” As Christians we also say, “As long as there is hope there is life.” - Henri Nouwen

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living desperately

Done it

white on white

Spirit Finger of Fourth Floor

Chimpanzees Forgive

Romance Origins

My Biggest Worry

God like one of us

A Pause

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